Gaw … Fuck OFF with the goddamn SWEETS already!

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So, I go to Subway because I didn't bother packing a proper lunch before leaving for work the other day. I was almost feeling adventurous enough that I actually ordered a different kind of sandwich … unfortunately, I instead decided to just try one of their fancy sauces on my Spicy Italian on Wheat, and picked the sweet onion sauce. I was thinking "sauce made with sweet onions" not "onion sauce so fucking sweet it makes you want to puke". Fuckers. I swear, if I got a hold of the ingredients list for that crap, it would read "High fructose corn syrup, water, less than 2% of the following …" and only then would it list anything that vaguely resembled what you'd expect in any kind of onion sauce. WHY IN THE FUCK would ANYONE want a goddamn SANDWICH that was sweeter than fucking cake icing?!

I was inspecting the ingredients labels on some salad dressing the other day … much to my surprise, Hidden Valley Ranch did not have any HFCS, but the Italian sure did, and the nasty shit was the FIRST ingredient on the Catalina. (If you live in a country where Catalina salad dressing is unknown, I want you to drop to your knees now and give thanks to the deity of your choice.) Obviously the Catalina people are in cahoots with the Subway sauce engineers, and they've all sold their souls to Satan himself.

High fructose corn syrup is the nectar of the Devil. Oh yes … over-processed gagworthy revolting crap that it is. When high fructose corn syrup is first produced (using wholesome genetically engineered microbes), it's so much sweeter than regular sugar they have to mix it 55-45% with sucrose syrup before it's actually usable in regular food products … and it's in damn near fucking everything even remotely sweet (and a great many things that aren't, at first bite).

Rose's Lime? Check. Miracle Whip? Yup. Barbecue sauce? Absolutely, even the spicy stuff. Sour mix? Sure … even Bloody Mary mix! Worcestershire sauce? Lea and Perrins, yes. French's, (thank god, because I can't live without my worcestershire) no. Even most brands of goddamn PEANUT BUTTER, along with almost every brand of ketchup and a lot of the new specialty flavored mustards … and since when is mustard supposed to be sweet?!

What is it with the fucking sweets, people?! Shopping in this country is utter fucking HELL for someone who doesn't like sweet food. Fuck, it was bad enough when real sugar was the order of the day, but once high fructose corn syrup could be processed far cheaper, everything started switching over, and I swear American food has gotten even sweeter overall since then. Even if you look for "sugar free" foods, you're going to end up with artificial sweeteners, which are possibly the only more disgusting substitute for unprocessed sugars than HFCS. Who the fuck even actually knows how that shit is made? They're all industrial fucking trade secrets … I can only imagine the process for making Splenda "from real sugar" is even scarier than making HFC out of corn starch.

But christ, it's probably all inevitable. Even when Americans cook "real" food, they drown it in fucking sugar. Sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving or Christmas? Coated with a generous crust of brown sugar most of the time. Big holiday ham? Covered in honey glaze and pineapple rings with fucking maraschino cherries in the middle. Breakfast? Sugar cereals, sweet syrups, even the fucking sausage and bacon are likely to be "maple" flavor (probably enhanced with high-fucking-fructose corn syrup). It's a crapshoot whether the pickle or relish you're being served is proper sour dill style, or "butter" style (aka: sweet as fuck).

And then people sit around and scratch their heads wondering why Americans are mostly overweight, and something like 30% of the population is actually obese … they're all eating dessert all fucking day long! Granted, the USDA has done away with the good ol' Food Pyramid, but if you'll recall, "fats and sweets" was the teeny tiny little triangle at the top of the whole thing. There wasn't a "recommended servings per day" figure for that bit. It was captioned "eat sparingly" … for a fucking good reason!

So anyhow, yeah. Next time I go to Subway, I'm going right back to my regular "oil and vinegar and mayo and a little mustard" when they ask what kind of sauce I want on my sandwich. 'Cause I'm scared that even the fucking "garlic and peppercorn" sauce is probably sweeter than the fucking agave syrup I put in my tea.