The Top 10 Things America Enjoys (SOTW)

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This week was a good one for search phrases … I am apparently only a proper blog entry away from becoming one of the world's authorities on "dolphins molesting humans". Also I somehow solicit more highbrow inquiries such as the "top 10 most enlightened people" and "ways to become more cultured" … which are, perhaps, out of the intended scope of this little site. "Every swear word in the world" is an awfully tempting challenge, but I think it requires more involvement than a Search of the Week can really accommodate. So, I'm going with the "how the hell did that phrase lead someone here" option: The Top 10 Things That America Enjoys

As I am an American, I figure I'm an expert on the subject, no? So, here you have a list of gross stereotypes about Americans, that nonetheless hold true for a depressingly large portion of the populace:

1. Very exclusive sports … You know, the kind that no other nation on earth plays, like baseball, basketball and American football. We don't like subtle sports, like what everyone else calls "football". We don't like sports where a "World Series" might involve actually losing one of our sports to someone from another country … which leads me to our next item:
2. Xenophobia … We like not liking other people. Especially if they are brown. We like to call Europeans "Communists" because they have nationalized healthcare and functional social service systems. We like to call Muslims "Towelheads" because they have a strange religion and want to kill us all. If we throw a war and nobody else comes, it doesn't mean it may be a bad idea, it means everyone else on earth is wrong!
3. Dysfunction … Everyone is dysfunctional. We like to give them all labels, and then figure out some way to medicate them into submission. Are you depressed? Do you suffer from social anxiety? Do your children argue or knock over breakable furnishings? Have trouble getting an erection? Does your woman not want sex often enough? We have pills that can help with that.
4. Crap food … Half of every American supermarket is devoted to food products that involve no more preparation than boiling, heating in the oven, or microwaving. We invented McDonalds burgers. When we travel abroad, we eat American fast food. If we order food in a real foreign restaurant, we complain loudly about the strange things on the menu. We will eat mass produced hot dogs, but not haggis.
5. Sexism … Pakistan has elected a female head of state; the United States has not. I think that pretty much sums things up.
6. Religion … the stranger the better. The Puritans were simply not odd enough. Then we needed the Church of Christ, Scientist (?!). Still not weird enough, we also gave Mormonism to the world. Evangelical Southern Baptists. Jehovah's Witnesses. Jews for Jesus. And just when you thought US religions couldn't get any stranger … Scientology.
7. Automobiles … It's a national fetish. Bring up environmental damage, or energy independence, and you may as well be slandering someone's mother. We have a god-given RIGHT to drive as many absurd vehicles as we want. If that means driving a Hummer that gets 8 miles to the gallon 6 blocks in good weather to take your children to school every day, so be it.
8. Alcoholism … There are loads of countries where the average per capita alcohol consumption level is higher, but America somehow trumps them for actual rates of alcoholism. We may drink less than others, but our church tells us it's still a Sin and our therapist assures us they Have a Pill for That.
9. Cleanliness … Bleach and Ammonia are not enough. We need hand sanitizing gel. We need little "purse packs" of toilet seat disinfecting wipes. We need special detergents for washing our lettuce. We need anti-bacterial/anti-viral kleenex tissues. We need perfumed douche.
10. Guns … We do actually have a significant number of anti-gun people in the US. But not enough to make a difference. Oh no. Second only to cars, we fetishize our guns. When I post photos of myself on Flickr looking sultry with a gun involved … woah. Watch those pageviews. Sexy gun photos are second only to bare breasts for attracting an audience.

My fellow Americans may now commence throwing tomatoes. Thank you, and goodnight.

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