On the Web: We need "moron control officers"
A friend emailed me this little gem from Caustic Observations … on why a shitload of people really shouldn't own pets. Don't know the author, but I give him a high-five for this one:
… I've had to turn down half a dozen people who were trying to give me their animals! What the fuck, does my house look like an animal shelter? Take care of your own animals, you bastards! If you have a dog, don't settle for moving into someplace that doesn't allow pets – tell them to fuck off, and keep looking! If you don't want to be overrun with kittens and puppies, either keep the fuckers inside when they're in heat, or get them fixed! It's like, 40 bucks. If you can't afford to spend 40 bucks at the Vets' office, you need to stick to the disposable pets, like gerbils and goldfish.
You cheap bastards! You people are the reason there are strays that have to be rounded up and put to sleep, innocent creatures robbed of a life they probably deserved more than you deserve yours, you irresponsible, ignorant mother fuckers.
Add to that list all the fuckwits who think because their little Scruffy is cute, and the neighbor's dog Bozo is cute too, they obviously need to breed them … and then try to sell them in the newspaper for $200 each, only to find that nobody in their right mind is going to pay $200 for a mutt, so they give the puppies away to dipshits who end up ditching them when they move into a "no pets" apartment. And the shitheads who think that because Princess is a "pure bred," and the neighbor's dog Rosco is a "pure bred," they need to breed them … and then try to sell them in the newspaper for $600, because they're "pure bred" what-the-fuck-evers, only to find that there isn't a huge demand for badly-bred, barely-pet-quality purebred anything.
Hell, I wouldn't stop at saying, "If you don't want to be overrun with kittens and puppies, either keep the fuckers inside when they're in heat, or get them fixed!" I'd say, unless you have a legitimately valuable bloodline, whether for conformation show, performance competition, or working purposes, fix your fucking pets NO MATTER WHAT, because the world doesn't fucking need another litter of puppies or kittens just because their parents' brain-dead owners thought they'd turn out cute.
(And, honestly, I'd be perfectly happy to see the whole conformation show establishment implode … the AKC has ruined more perfectly good dog breeds than backyard breeders ever could. I say make the conformation dogs *also* perform whatever task the breed was originally bred for, like the talent segment of a beauty pageant. If your pin-headed, hairball collie can't herd anymore, you FAIL. If your chow can't breathe or see properly, thanks to its shoved-in face, you FAIL.)
Why do we have animal control officers? Why don't we have "moron control officers" who go around with big trucks and nets and tranquilizer guns rounding up people who listen to The Pussy Cat Dolls? Dogs are on the shit list for eating out of the trash when they're starving, but just anybody can drive down the street blaring Eminem from a stereo the size of Cleveland. Just once I'd like to see some faggoty little gimp with his sideways baseball hat running for his life down the street, trying desperately to pull up his stupid fuckin baggy pants, get shot in the neck with a dart full of Ketamine and go down like a stunned water buffalo on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. Bet you didn’t like THAT dose of “special K", you fuckin' retard.
"Why don't we have "moron control officers" who go around with big trucks and nets and tranquilizer guns rounding up people who listen to The Pussy Cat Dolls?"
A-freakin'-men.
29th April 2008 at 6:08 pm | permalink |You really know how to get my blood boiling …
This is something that just sends me over the edge.
Irresponsible pet owners who abandon animals just piss me off to no end. These fuckers take in an animal, domesticate it, teach it dependence on its human owners, then discard it like an empty milk carton because it's suddenly "inconvenient."
I've heard of pet owners getting rid of an animal because it didn't match their furniture. Their FUCKING FURNITURE!! News flash you fucking retards–an animal is not a fashion accessory or an accent piece. It is a fucking life.
Ketamine? You're too kind.
29th April 2008 at 7:28 pm | permalink |@becca: Hey, ketamine wasn't my idea, it was the other blogger. hehe
If nothing else, I'd like to see it a lot easier to ban people from ever owning another animal in their lives.
I've known of cases where people brought their pet in to the vet to have it put to sleep because they were moving. Not because it was really old, or because it was an emotional basketcase that wouldn't travel or re-home well … no, just because their young, healthy, friendly dog couldn't live in their new condo/apartment/rental/whatever.
I don't know whether to be more pissed at the owners, or at the vet who put it down rather than taking it and finding it a new home. (Needless to say, that was not the vet I took my animals to … my old vet was a giant sucker for rescues, and confiscated animals from unfit homes to find them new owners.)
29th April 2008 at 9:21 pm | permalink |Ha! That final quote is great.
I'd love to spend a few weeks as a moron control officer… cruising round the streets with my dart rifle, picking off the fuckwits I spotted. Man… that would be fun!
We would of course release them back into the 'wild' but only after they'd been neutered – don't want the little buggers breeding do we? That would solve the issue we were discussing last week about shitty parents too!
Where do I sign up?
29th April 2008 at 9:47 pm | permalink |@copley: Don't forget some of them would have to be spayed too … not all fuckwits are male. ;-)
30th April 2008 at 3:32 pm | permalink |some asses should have the brick the dogs have to ware up their fuckin' asses, so we easily could find em, and bring them to justice…
30th April 2008 at 6:54 pm | permalink |there's no excuse for being cruel to animals, what so ever!
30th April 2008 at 6:57 pm | permalink |I have 6, yes 6 throw aways. dumped here and there. my house is over run with fur, my vacuum cleaner hates me.these are my babies. my husband says he wants to come back as one of my dogs because they are so spoiled. then i remind him that his balls would have to go.
1st May 2008 at 5:56 am | permalink |i have met people who let their dogs/cats get pregnant just so their children can experience the miracle of birth. then when they can't give away all the babies, guess where they end up. the pound.
one woman i worked with was complaining one day that her vet was yelling at her because she brought her cat in to be put down. because the children never played with it anymore and she hated the litter box smell.
humans suck. stupidity seems to rule.
We definitely need to spay and neuter morons. But don't stop at the baggy pantsed-sideways hat morons. Let me loose in DC with a 30 round/second tranqdart gun! Shit, the whole fucking town AND ESPECIALLY the 'burbs are flooded with fuckwit moron cunts! Just make sure the tranq level is lethal.
1st May 2008 at 2:50 pm | permalink |@bill: Brick? You lost me there …
@mrs. stratton: I've had six ferrets, two cats, and two dogs since I've lived on my own … and except for my new puppy, they've all come from shelters, were strays, or were 'given' to me by someone who didn't want them.
It never ceases to horrify me that people care so little about the animals they've taken in as pets. My mom always gave me a speech about a pet being a lifelong commitment … and I've always looked at it that way.
@dr stomix: I guess, on a serious level, the biggest problem with spaying and neutering people is "who decides". ;-) Although I'd imagine there are some people who'd get universal approval (except for the people who were against 'fixing' anyone for any reason). hehe
Maybe it could be an alternate punishment for certain crimes? "Jail time or get snipped, your choice." ;-)
1st May 2008 at 5:17 pm | permalink |When I was younger my mom had called animal control on a feral cat only to discover that she'd had little babies in our barn. AC said they weren't feral and the momma didn't have rabies or any other diseases that would have spread to the kittens, fortunately, so we kept them. We got them all spayed/neutered for free at the vet/animal shelter (maybe because we didn't make them take all those little kittens and find homes?) and we found good friends and family members who WANTED a cat and who we knew were capable of keeping it in good health until it's dying day. If only that was what EVERYONE did whenever their random pets had babies.
5th May 2008 at 6:33 am | permalink |@Setsunaela: We had an almost-feral cat give birth in our garage once … sadly, she had a violent temper (especially around my then-toddler sister), so Mom rounded up her and all the feisty kittens, and took them to the pound. No idea of any of them lived.
On the upside, the one kitten we did keep ended up being my cat for the next ~10 years, so it worked out well for her. ;-)
5th May 2008 at 2:50 pm | permalink |alphabitch, I was referring to politicians, political appointees, bureaucrats, lobbyists and others that make up our now oligarcal form of government (that's right, it hasn't been "we, the people" for a fuck of a long time). I can't imagine ANYONE opposing fixing their asses!
6th May 2008 at 10:23 am | permalink |@Dr. Atomix: Ah, yes. Good point. :-)
6th May 2008 at 2:36 pm | permalink |I've always been a firm believer in the same theory, that animal is yours until the end of their too short lives. I recently had to put my beloved basset hound Cleo to sleep because she lost the use of her back legs (no feeling at all, a possible tumor in the spine). It honestly broke my heart to lose her so suddenly and even though I know it was the right thing to do, I still miss the warm spot on the end of my bed at night and I know I'll never be able to replace her (even though Father Dearest brought home a 6 month old basset 3 days later). This is why I find the whole disposable pet lifestyle appalling! How could you throw away part of your family so willingly? It makes me sick to think about it. There was a case recently in Toronto, Ontario (I can't remember the exact details) where an animal control officer apprehended a man abusing a dog. The officer handcuffed the man to a vehicle so he could take the dog to get medical attention and the man would be apprehended. The officer had charges pressed against him because he apparently broke the man's rights. We should hand out more Stella awards.
13th May 2008 at 6:00 pm | permalink |@Jen: Personally, I would not think it out of line if the Animal Control Officer were allowed to beat the man in question … give 'em little hidden video cameras, and if they get the abuse on tape, they are free to get vengeance on the animal's behalf. :-)
14th May 2008 at 11:25 am | permalink |Brick? He, he. I meant these electronic microchips they insert into the dog's neck for tracking purposes. It's called a "brikke" in Norwegian, and of course can't be directly translated into English. :-))
25th May 2008 at 1:21 pm | permalink |@bill: Ah! Yeah, I've always heard them just called microchips here. :-) And microchipping repeat animal cruelty offenders would be interesting … pet stores, shelters & animal breeders could scan people before they sold them an animal. No chip? You can buy the pet. hehe And if you got caught with a pet bought from a private individual, maybe you get fined or something.
25th May 2008 at 2:36 pm | permalink |