10 Things Every Adult Should Know
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Sometimes it's hard to come up with a full-length, balls-to-the-wall rant, but a lot of "too long for Twitter, too short for a whole post" ideas float in and out of my head all the time. Here's 10 things every adult really ought to know, but a lot of people are apparently just too fucking stupid to figure out:
- Having sex can cause pregnancy. This one seems too obvious to mention, but judging from the number of accidental children in the world, I thought it bore repeating. Nothing is 100% effective against pregnancy except abstinence, or the removal of your ovaries or testicles. (Incidentally, abortion is still legal in the US and most of Europe, just in case.)
- If you cover your face with piercing jewelry, you may not be able to find a job. This also goes for doing weird things to your hair, and getting tattoos in conspicuous places. And for fuck's sake, don't give me any bullshit about "freedom of expression", you little dumbass. You go right ahead and express yourself all you want, but body modification is not a constitutionally protected belief system. They can't not hire you for being a Jew, but they certainly can not hire you for looking like a fucking freak. (caveat: I have both piercings and tattoos … nothing against tattoos, piercings or fucking freaks. Just don't whine about it when you're treated like one.)
- It's 2008. Racism is seriously outdated. That means, yes Virginia, it is TOTALLY FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE to refer to that black guy on TV as a "junglebunny." Also, don't use the word "they" as though black folks are some separate species who all think and act the same way.
They're"They" are humans, not dogs. And do I really need to remind you that "nigger" is a bad word?! Here's a nice rule of thumb for you, dearie: If you wouldn't say it to a black person's face, you probably shouldn't be saying it at all. (For those of you who really don't get it, this also applies to spics, pakis, chinks, gooks,jewskikes, towelheads, gringos and anyone else you care to slander.) - Spontaneous anal sex often involves small amounts of feces. Yes, yes it does. This point is mainly aimed at straight guys, who seem to have a frighteningly widespread lack of understanding on this issue. If you want your backdoor action all nice and sanitary, you need to plan ahead. Buy a little something called an anal douche, and find a way to gracefully suggest she use it before bed if you want a little booty nookie. If you just swap holes in the middle of the action, without such careful forethought, things often get messy … because guys, it's a butt, and [big secret]there's poop in there[/big secret]. And as long as we're on the subject of anal …
- Anal sex does not make you gay. Again, for the benefit of you straight boys. Even if you secretly want your girlfriend to bend you over with a strap on, it's OK. You're not gay. You know why? Because you want to be assfucked by a girl, not a boy. That's what the whole "gay" thing is about: Liking boys instead of girls. Anal sex is irrelevant. [added]I am a straight white female … and fwiw, I have never given it to anyone with a strap-on. I just also happen to NOT be an ignorant homophobic twat.[/added]
- Marijuana is not a "gateway drug". Oh sure, maybe 99% of "hard" drug users also smoke pot. And maybe a lot of them smoked pot before they got into crack or heroin or whatever. But that's not because the pot made them do it, it's because damn near fucking everyone has smoked pot at some point.
- Creationism is bullshit. Seriously. A big magic guy in the clouds did not wiggle his fingers and create the earth in 6 days. Didn't fucking happen. And I think anyone who professes to believe such a thing ought to be barred from political office. What if there was a religion claiming the world was flat, and the whole "round" thing was just an optical illusion created by God to test our faith? Would ANYONE be suggesting we teach it in schools? Would anyone vote for a politician who claimed to believe it? For fuck's sake, people. It's 2008. We have fossils. We have carbon dating. Get a clue!
- You have no right to be proud, unless you did it yourself. That goes for anything from racial pride to patriotism. Your race, gender and nationality are fucking accidents of birth. Being proud of something you got stuck with when mamma squeezed you out is stupid. You have a right to be proud of your own personal accomplishments, and perhaps those of your children (if you were actually a good parent, and your kids didn't succeed by sheer bloody-mindedness alone). That's it. Your parents fucked, Mom got knocked up, and ~9 months later, there you were. Race, gender and nationality handed to you out of some cosmic lottery machine. Fuck your white pride, black pride, national pride, and all the horseshit that goes along with it.
- Police and Politicians have a lot in common. Maybe half of them go into their chosen careers wanting to genuinely do good. Save people, and make the world a better place and all that. The other half are greedy, power-hungry fucks. And the good half? After a few years on the job, most of them have become so corrupted and/or insulated from the real world, they become vicious, rotten twats too. You can't trust 90% of either of 'em.
- America is not #1. Well, not unless you count military spending and handgun related deaths. We're shit at public education. Our health care system is both the most expensive and the least effective in the developed world. Literacy, infant mortality, per capita living below the poverty line and/or without any health insurance … etc., etc. We're kind of horrible at a whole lot of things, if you want to be honest about it. We're also, on average, fat as fuck.
You Sir, are a hero.
21st February 2008 at 9:19 pm | permalink |Let me be the first to say; bravo.
21st February 2008 at 10:12 pm | permalink |Very funny list. I think the poop during anal sex misconception comes mostly from people who watch a lot of porn and perform very little actual anal sex.
21st February 2008 at 10:28 pm | permalink |As a guy ou got a girlfriend who got pregnant while i was dating her…But wasn't the father. I can actually say that having a baby without wanting it is the worst of them all…And i would say that the real father is probably thinking the same as me…and probably more than me..
21st February 2008 at 10:41 pm | permalink |"Also, don't use the word "they"…_They're_ humans, not dogs."
Who is humans not dogs?
21st February 2008 at 10:46 pm | permalink |This is one of the web's most interesting stories on Fri 22nd Feb 2008…
These are the web's most talked about URLs on Fri 22nd Feb 2008. The current winner is …..
21st February 2008 at 11:07 pm | trackback from purrl.net |** urls that purr **|I nominate the author, alphabitch, for President of the World! As a fat American fuck I want someone who 'gets it' to be my proxy in government. Yay!
21st February 2008 at 11:09 pm | permalink |Love it. Great article. Straight and to the point with just the right amount of sass.
21st February 2008 at 11:11 pm | permalink |Hilarious!! But VERY true.
22nd February 2008 at 12:00 am | permalink |What can I say, you speak the truth. The only tiff I have with you is there is no such thing as a bad word, just an inappropriate word.
22nd February 2008 at 12:01 am | permalink |Loved your rant; however, you're going to have to fix the healtcare part. expensive, yes. bad, NO.
22nd February 2008 at 12:19 am | permalink |there's a reason there is a popular joke on "british teeth" (i.e. austin powers). social medicine just doesnt work in practice. it sounds great but overall human greed doesnt allow it anywhere in the world.
in #3 you refer to colored people as they which you point out is ignorant in the same breath.
oh, and you're retarded.
22nd February 2008 at 12:23 am | permalink |Nice list, but #2 is lame. Smart people look beyond all that.
22nd February 2008 at 12:30 am | permalink |Right on bro!! Right on. I agree 100%. I wish there were more of us.
22nd February 2008 at 12:37 am | permalink |Cute. Was writing that fun for you?
22nd February 2008 at 12:49 am | permalink |Well said my man… well said!
22nd February 2008 at 1:04 am | permalink |Unfortunately, there are far too many people who still think the earth is flat. 1 in 4 americans still believe the sun revolves around the earth, and only 18% believe in natural evolution (without any interference from god)
22nd February 2008 at 1:19 am | permalink |I nominate this blog as the single most immature site in existence. Grow up!
22nd February 2008 at 1:46 am | permalink |Awesome post. Had a look round and I love this site! Have subscribed to your RSS feed.
22nd February 2008 at 2:01 am | permalink |all good points … like the way its been slapped onto our faces …
22nd February 2008 at 2:02 am | permalink |you got talent brother …
Sir, I bow to your insight and honesty. This is an awesome post, especially the section about being proud.
22nd February 2008 at 2:14 am | permalink |you're so right
it was a mind orgasm to read
22nd February 2008 at 3:25 am | permalink |"Also, don't use the word 'they' as though black folks are some separate species who all think and act the same way. They're humans, not dogs."
My brain asplodeth
22nd February 2008 at 3:27 am | permalink |Hi,
1) which stupid idiot ignores that?
2) maybe in a piercing studio you will get one.
3) I like black people but they call themselves niggers so why shouldn't we?
4) shit happens, so what?
5)of course anal sex doesn't make you gay –> if you practice it with a woman.
6) I totally agree on that.
7) Who is god anyway… he only exists because still some retards believe in him! You can pe a good person without believing in god… you can be an evil person without believing in satan :-)
8) agree on that.
9) agree on that.
10) also agree :-)
Bye
22nd February 2008 at 3:45 am | permalink |A very atheistic Hallelujah! I would dugg it had I an account, but I found the article on reddit.
22nd February 2008 at 3:57 am | permalink |This is a f*cking sweet article. It's what I've been trying to tell some c*nts for years!
22nd February 2008 at 4:11 am | permalink |Dude… you're #1 on Reddit!
22nd February 2008 at 4:22 am | permalink |This must be what people think when they spend 99% of their time on Reddit. Not bad, but don't let Reddit narrow your perspective…
22nd February 2008 at 4:27 am | permalink |Brilliant.
22nd February 2008 at 4:32 am | permalink |Thanks for that! Real stuff there. I would add under "…no right to be proud…" a mention of all these sports psychotics who are convinced that they, personally, win when their team does. You didn't win anything, dumbshit - other people did, the ones you cheer for. And that's to say nothing of the other mouth-breathers who take it one step further and beat up people who cheer for, oh my god, another team! Beating up people from another team will not help your team win. You need to suit up and be on the field for that. It's complicated, I know.
22nd February 2008 at 4:42 am | permalink |Looks like someone likes it up the ass.
22nd February 2008 at 4:45 am | permalink |I find it hard to say this from reading only one entry on a strangers blog, but I will: I agree with every point you said.
Fuck yeah.
22nd February 2008 at 4:48 am | permalink |Go read Maddox's "The best page in the universe" for a lesson on how to make ranting funny. There is more to it besides just putting "fuck" in the sentence.
22nd February 2008 at 4:57 am | permalink |I agree with the whole thing except the part about being proud of where you're born and to whom. I think that I have as much right to be proud of my parents and grandparents accomplishments, and therefore their genes, and therefore my genes, as I have the right to be proud of myself.
22nd February 2008 at 5:03 am | permalink |[...] That's deep. Kids remember, it's important to spread deep thoughts like these. Speaking of deep thoughts, I can highly suggest reading this article. [...]
22nd February 2008 at 5:04 am | trackback from ATM Machine: Feed me a stray cat. « Yet another cute B/W-Color BlogI couldn't possibly agree with you more. I mean, it would literally be impossible. It's like you've pulled the thoughts from my mind. What kind of black magic voodoo is this?!
22nd February 2008 at 5:06 am | permalink |#10: your comment to waepons/ guns..are very naiv. Read Sigmund Freund to find the connection between sexual maturity and the fear about guns. ;) So it make me a bit laugh when you say something about public education etc.. but anyway there are some tue points in your post. best regards from germany
22nd February 2008 at 10:35 am | permalink |HERE HERE!!!
22nd February 2008 at 10:44 am | permalink |What a minute..back up…beep beep beep, do you have the gale to say that common sense, general intellect and personal responsibility are things Americans should have….How dare you sir, how dare you indeed!!!
I live in the extremely open minded South where a man knows that more God and guns can solve anything and find your spewing of rational logic to be vulgar and downright ludicrous.
Okay, no more sarcasm, the funny thing is that if you stood on a pulpit and told them common truths along with so many others that people refuse to see, you would be labeled a crazy man. What the fuck happened to America…its gets dumber everyday and is proud of it.
22nd February 2008 at 12:04 pm | permalink |So "jews" is a racial slur on par with "spics, pakis, chinks, gooks, towelheads" and "niggers?" FUCK YOU, asshole.
22nd February 2008 at 12:06 pm | permalink |"Anal sex does not make you gay" -
22nd February 2008 at 12:25 pm | permalink |Sorry, but if you want to have a penis (or a plastic replica) inserted in your rectum, you are probably gay. (You are certainly not straight.) No that there is anything wrong with being gay…
Wow. Big huge flood of comments. Thanks for taking the time, everyone! Here's a few thoughts in return:
@Jose: "british teeth" … yeah, dental care isn't so great maybe, but at least a woman in the UK who accidentally gets pregnant doesn't have to figure out how to scrape together $700+ for an abortion.
@Smarter than you: "in #3 you refer to colored people as they which you point out is ignorant in the same breath." Sorry … should have put "they" in quotes like that, so you slow folks could follow the irony.
"oh, and you're retarded." Touché! Or, should I perhaps say, "Touché!"
@Dustin Diaz: "Was writing that fun for you?" Yes. Yes it was.
@Uzair: Actually, I don't really spend any time on Reddit.
@Phthalo Blue wrote: "all these sports psychotics who are convinced that they, personally, win when their team does. You didn't win anything, dumbshit" Very good point. I don't know how I forgot that! :-)
@DeathDestruct: "Looks like someone likes it up the ass." Yeah, but I'm a girl, so it doesn't make me gay. ;-)
@Vinny: "I think that I have as much right to be proud of my parents and grandparents accomplishments, and therefore their genes …" I agree you can be proud of someone else's accomplishments if you care about them, but I'd draw the line at passing that on to yourself because of them, if you see what I mean.
@Patrick: So "jews" is a racial slur …" Wow. Patrick you are totally right. Seriously. My bad. I'll change it to "kikes" instead. (No, really, I'm not kidding on this one.)
@George: "… if you want to have a penis (or a plastic replica) inserted in your rectum, you are probably gay." If you want to have a penis inserted in your rectum, you might be gay or bi. If you want to have a girl insert a plastic replica in there, you're definitely not. Sorry pal.
22nd February 2008 at 3:15 pm | permalink |I always understood that the "six days" that the Earth was created in weren't very literal. In fact the bible goes lenghts to say that they aren't. Funny how the vast majority of people are stupid and believe that science is wrong, but the esablished scientific theories that are clear are clearly backed up by biblical refrence.
Oh. And it never said the Earth was flat. In fact, it calls it a sphere. Wonder.
22nd February 2008 at 5:06 pm | permalink |You know, I never realized that there might be poop in a butt. Thanks for the PSA!!! ;)
22nd February 2008 at 5:10 pm | permalink |America is number 1, you're dead wrong about that. I don't see people dying to sneek into Nigeria and if they do it's only because they couldn't get to America.
Creationism doesn't just mean the world was made in 6 days. It can also mean God made everything in 6 billion years, so define your terms.
Another one to add to your list. When you make lists, someone's probably going to have a problem with all or part of it.
22nd February 2008 at 5:16 pm | permalink |fun fact, taking a dick in the ass, either plastic or real, makes you a faggot
22nd February 2008 at 5:20 pm | permalink |Lame.
The angst of a high-school essay– but without the insight.
22nd February 2008 at 5:26 pm | permalink |@randumb: Well, I didn't say the bible said the earth was flat … um. So I'm not sure what your point is there.
@larry: Always glad to help folks out like that!
@james: "When you make lists, someone's probably going to have a problem with all or part of it." Yeah, and the great thing is, I don't give a fuck! :-D
@lol: You sir, are an ignorant homophobic twat. :-)
22nd February 2008 at 5:30 pm | permalink |fuckin a man.
22nd February 2008 at 5:55 pm | permalink |Just to save myself some time, anyone who hates this site or it's author can kiss my ass. Also, reddit.com is a poor mans digg.com o_O
22nd February 2008 at 5:56 pm | permalink |