Search of the Week: 10 ways to fuck up your kids

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Yeah, so the "search of the week" thing hasn't been so weekly after all. Some weeks, the top search phrases around here are just not that exciting. But this one, I couldn't pass up. So today I bring you F*cking C*nts' Top 10 Ways to Fuck Up Your Kids:

1. Raise them in a strict, evangelical Christian household. They'll loathe and fear gays (even if one of them is gay themselves)! They'll be afraid to masturbate! They'll be so sexually uptight, they'll invent new perversions you've never even heard of! And if you're really lucky, they might even grow up to bomb abortion clinics!
2. Teach them to fear and mistrust foreigners and brown people. They'll be well on their way to a lucrative job in the US State Department or law enforcement system, if they don't become racist skinheads first.
3. You know that creepy old man your kids mow the lawn for? Yeah, when he asks if they can have a slumber party, go ahead and say yes. A single older man couldn't possibly have any ulterior motives for wanting young children to sleep at his house. Besides, he said please. You want your kids to learn good manners, don't you?
4. Hang a large photo of President Bush above the mantelpiece. Light candles nightly and pray to it. For good measure, hang a photo of Bill O'Reilly next to it … and leave sticky photos of Ann Coulter under your pillow.
5. Drink. A lot. And then when you're good and drunk, beat your son and tell him you're teaching him not to be such a fucking pussy. If you have a young teenage daughter, tell her she's got nice tits. (Mom, you can do this too!)
6. Buy that puppy they keep asking for. Tell them it's their job to take care of it. When they forget to feed it, or let it out to potty, or something inevitable like that, shoot the dog and remind the kids you wouldn't have had to do it if they weren't such fuckups.
7. Tell them repeatedly what a waste of time school is, and ask when they're going to stop wasting their time with that bullshit. Schoolin' never did you any good, and what the fuck do they think they are?! Better than their old man/poor mother? Ungrateful little shits. Proceed to #5, above.
8. Whenever they make a friend at school, forbid them to hang out with the kid anymore. His/her parents are devil worshipping communists, and his/her whole family is going to hell some day, and it's for your kid's own good to avoid them like the plague. Especially if the new kid is brown or foreign.
9. Whatever they do, remind them they did it the wrong way and they should have asked you how to do it correctly first. If you know nothing about "it", make something up when they ask how to do it right. If you do know how to do it right, don't tell them. Explain that it's too late to help them, because they already fucked everything up.
10. Do not let them date. Anyone. Ever. Unless you go along to chaperone.

Now, I could have been a bit more severe about things. I mean, fucking your kids is going to fuck them up better than a lot of things on that list, but I didn't want to just state the obvious. I tried to be a little creative here. Enjoy!

Good thing I don't have any kids.

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