Hello TSA! Go fuck yourself, thanks.
So some asshole tries to blow up a plane with his crotch. (Bad jokes about Superman's sperm come to mind… but anyway!)
It's not even likely that the amount of chemically goodness in the Panty Liner of Doom™ was enough to actually bring the plane down, but no mind… everyone else gets to be patted down because of it. I don't know about you, but it seemed kind of stupid to make everyone xray their shoes after the shoe bomber incident. Now what are they going to do? Aggressively grope everyone's nether regions, looking for suspicious underwear bulges? Will they also have to ban maxi-pads, to eliminate potential confusion? (Better stock those airport sanitary pad dispensers with something A LITTLE LESS BULKY, guys!)
Seriously. Reactive policing rarely does any good on the prevention side. Patting people down isn't going to do jack shit to make anyone safer, because the next guy is going to figure out an un-pat-detectable explosive pack. He's not going to wear a PETN jockstrap. He's not going to wear liquid explosive insoles. You think some hardbody lunatic is going to try to sculpt C4 abs to slip under his undershirt? Doubtful.
Nope, we get patted down. They're deploying full body visual scanners. They're snooping in our bags even more aggressively than before. You'll have to get to the damn airport even fucking earlier, if you're departing from a busy terminal. AND DON'T YOU DARE BLOG ABOUT IT, because they're now paying house calls for that shit. (Lucky me, I'm not high profile enough to qualify for anonymous tips.)
Oh and yeah, thanks to the wingnut who decided to hang out in the bathroom for an hour (what the fuck is there to DO in a little metal closet for an hour? I probably don't want to know.), no going to the bathroom for the last hour of the flight… because terrorists certainly can't detonate explosives in their seats, err, unlike the shoe and crotch bombers tried to do? And no more annoying friendly announcements if there's something interesting to see out the window… because of course terrorists can't look out the window either.
Maybe they should just rig the bathroom doors to automatically pop open after 5 minutes or so? That could be fun. They could even have a motion sensor alarm go off if you fidget around in your seat too much! That would make fussy children even MORE entertaining for the rest of the passengers.
I really don't get it. Republicans supposedly care about smaller government, but they're the fuckers who inflicted the TSA on us in the first place. Liberals are supposedly against overly intrusive law enforcement, but they've done nothing to scale down the absurdities being perpetrated at airports around the world. Libertarians supposedly care about personal freedom & privacy … but yeah, whether they did anything or not, nobody really pays them much mind. Point being, nobody likes the TSA. Nobody is going to like getting frisked at security. Nobody likes being pulled aside to have their bags "randomly searched" (because, apparently, x-raying everything was pointless all along? wtf?). And yet NOBODY does anything to defang the TSA.
Nobody in a position to make a fucking difference is doing anything about the Dept of Homeland Security running roughshod over our civil liberties. Nobody is starting any initiatives to fund better investigative anti-terrorism measures, rather than pointless, ineffective and intrusive airport security screening measures. We're not talking about people smuggling the chemical equivalent of iocaine powder here. This shit is not undetectable. It may, however, be undetectable by pat downs and metal detectors.
You could pack all sorts of of various volatile compounds in your carry on 'shampoo' bottles. You could find cleverer ways of attaching the shit to your body and/or clothing. There must be all sorts of imaginative ways of getting around the ham-handed security screening they're doing now. If they insist that all anti-terrorism measures must be intrusively public, and executed at the last possible minute before a flight, they could STILL easily do a better job.
Chemical sniffing dogs … that could work. And be faster too. Dogs already like ramming their noses in people's crotches, and with the amount of time we all spend waiting in line at security, a fast moving shepherd could have everyone sniffed down before we even got to the xray machine. Not to mention, people don't like to fuck with dogs, so it'd probably even cut down on security screening belligerence. Bonus!
Chemical sniffing devices … they exist. They work. If dog food is too expensive, they could wand you with a chemical sensor wand, couldn't they? Rather than xraying you, and then having to figure out a way to determine whether your gel bra/maxi-pad/shoe insole/shampoo is inert or not. Hell, there's probably a way to incorporate a metal detector wand into the same device, so they only have to scan you once, no?
And, on top of all that, I'm thinking if your Dad goes to the embassy and tells everyone he's afraid you're dangerously insane, the authorities might want to keep a closer eye on you. Y'know, old-fashioned investigative policework. The kind of stuff that actually prevents premeditated crimes, rather than the reactionary shit that just inconveniences everyone else after the fact. But let's be honest here, isn't intimidating the general population just as much the point as saving lives anyway? If we're all scared of the TSA grabbing our crotches, we're not going to start any shit, right?
Fuck you, TSA. You are also on my list of groups who should choke on a cock and die. I could bring a nice, big dildo in my carry-on next time, to make it a little easier for you.
This is just what us bloggers would have needed, the government telling us what we can and can not publish on our blogs. I find it ironic how quickly TSA dropped the idea of Subpoenas.
2nd January 2010 at 6:48 pm | permalink |Land of the "free", home of the betrayed …
5th January 2010 at 11:01 am | permalink |All it's going to take is one guy with a C4 dildo stuck up his ass getting on a plane before the mandatory anal probings begin.
14th January 2010 at 3:56 pm | permalink |Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. We're all one fuckhead away from either body cavity searches or mandatory pre-boarding MRIs.
14th January 2010 at 4:27 pm | permalink |I can't fathom the how the new security rules actually do anything to promote "security."
You have to remain seated during the final hour of the flight? Really? Besides messing with a schedule, how does this actually accomplish ANYTHING, besides people pissing themselves?
Only one carry on item now, instead of two? Really? This just means more shit gets shoved into one bag. I'm going to start carrying a big rucksack and huge coat with lots of pockets—even during the summer.
18th January 2010 at 12:12 am | permalink |I think my rolling carryon is already pushing maximum size as it is. The seams might start coming unraveled if I start shoving my laptop in there too.
Also, there ought to be a national movement for all passengers to start carrying these, making SURE to use them during the last hour of the flight, and leaving the bags on their seats as they de-plane.
18th January 2010 at 1:07 pm | permalink |The Superman thing is from Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex by Larry Niven. It is a great short story. He describes Superman's bathroom wall have all the holes.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_of_Steel,_Woman_of_Kleenex
28th January 2010 at 11:54 am | permalink |My first time flying I was pulled over by an agent and searched in private. I was 14 and without my parents and spent the whole flight (9hrs) crying. Was a kid really that big of a threat, I know I'm overweight but really. I only flew once again and went through nearly the same shit, and with my military ID…. Also, even with a prescription and a letter from my doctor they confiscated my medication (I just filled it and couldn't get another refill until the next month).
10th February 2010 at 12:17 am | permalink |I refuse to fly any more, even though my family is across the country… I'll take a few days of driving over that any day!
The one carry on bag is over the limit for me. I barely manage to shove everything in two bags plus a suitcase, any more downsizing and I'm going to have trouble.
This will probably get labled as spam, but at least we're trying to do something about TSA. Please Remove Your Shoes will be released shortly – a feature length doc on the whole mess as told by former FAA security types, air marshals. Go see it. Even if you just throw tomatoes at the screen, it will be fun won't it? TSA has already tried to shut down our website. (www.pleaseremoveyourshoesmovie.com) (And we've had a bunch of "housecalls." We have to do something about it or live with the consequences of corrupt government.
FG
13th February 2010 at 10:17 pm | permalink |Here is the simple solution to the complex problem of flying. I've put it into effect for 5 years, now: Don't fly.
Or, if you must fly, fly in small, commuter-local planes leaving from little airports–the kind that DON'T have to go through the TSA security gates. (I'm from Alaska, so perhaps this latter suggestion might not work elsewhere.)
Mostly: Just don't fly. There are compelling reasons not to fly anymore, but rarely, if at all; reasons that go beyond the inordinate stupidities of the so-called war on terror. If nothing else, there's a little thing called Anthropogenic Global Warming. Flying lots and lots of jets adds tons of greenhouse gases to an already overburdened atmosphere.
If somebody wants me somewhere badly enough, they are willing to wait for me to arrive by ground transportation and/or they are willing to pay for me to travel on the ground.
10th March 2010 at 1:11 am | permalink |OK, theoretically, I could take a couple months off of work when I want to go visit relatives Outside, and just do a road trip. Not really economically realistic for me at this point in time, but in theory, sure…
…but the amount of time it would take to road trip or Amtrak to the East coast, and then take a cruise ship to Europe & back? *ahhh* Would that I were one of the idle rich so I could pull off such a stunt.
Until such time as I decide never to leave Alaska again, I think airliners are going to be a part of my life.
10th March 2010 at 11:43 pm | permalink |