Huckabee?! You've got to be fucking kidding!
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Iowa Republicans voted for Mike Huckabee, thereby confirming my suspicion that Iowa is a fucked up, backwards-ass, ignorant, redneck sinkhole I have no intention of ever visiting, except in the event of an unavoidable flight layover (then again, I don't think I've ever flown through any airports in Iowa, so I might even be safe there).
On the other hand, I could only hope that the Republican nomination went to Huckabee, because he's at least as mentally challenged as Ron "Fucking Fruitloop" Paul, and both are more unelectable than Rudy "Lock up the Pot Smokers" Giuliani. Keep Rudy out of the big race, by all means, Mikey boy … be my guest.
His campaign slogan is "Faith. Family. Freedom." For those of you not up on US political jargon, that is shorthand for, "I'm a creationist nutjob who hates gays and gets hard for the 'war' in Iraq." Which is, in fact, the truth.
Here's a little rundown of Huckabee's most utterly ridiculous and/or offensive political positions:
- He opposes abortion except to save the mother's life … including cases of rape and incest. That's right. If Daddy knocks you up in Huckabee-land, you'd better hope you develop a nasty case of toxemia, because you're going to have to bear your inbred spawn to term unless the little bastard's going to kill you.
- He supports a constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman. He's also against civil unions. Because gays are sinners. And somehow, what other people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms is incredibly threatening to him. And making sure gays don't get hitched is at least as important as freedom of expression … err. Hmm. (The airport bathroom Senator thing has already been done, the gay prostitute Evangelist thing has already been done. Now I'm personally hoping for a truckstop bathroom Candidate scandal.)
- He supports displaying the Ten Commandments in schools. Because, y'know, the founding fathers didn't really mean that whole "separation of church and state" thing. And the Ten Commandments are at least as critical to the education of our children as making sure they know having two mommies is wrong.
- He doesn't believe in evolution. And while kids are busy in school learning the Ten Commandments, they should also be learning about creationism. Somehow, he's decided that an omnipotent being going "abracadabra" is a more believable idea than a slow process of natural selection … and I think that suggests a slight lack in his logical thinking faculties.
- He believes "Wal-Mart is a case study in the genius of the American marketplace." For fuck's sake. Nevermind their staunch refusal to allow unions in their workforce, or their unwillingness to give employees full-time jobs (so they qualify for health insurance and other benefits), or the fact that working at Wal-Mart is pretty much a guarantee of living below the poverty level, or the fact that American-owned companies can't afford to meet Wal-Mart's price demands without going bankrupt or moving their factories to China (case in point: Rubbermaid). Nope, they're fucking geniuses, those Wal-Mart guys.
- He got into politics because he "knew government didn't have the real answers, that the real answers lie in accepting Jesus Christ into our lives." Again, fuck the separation of church and state, eh? I'm sure that part of the Constitution was a mistake, aren't you?
- He supports both the war in Afghanistan and the war in Iraq. While his rationale for staying in Iraq is somewhat compelling ("You break it, you buy it." We "broke" Iraq, and now we have to stay and fix it.), he supports keeping on keeping on with the strategies Bush Co. used to break it in the first place. Troop surge? Fuck off.
The more I think about it, the more I think Mike Huckabee is more of a fruitloop than Ron Paul.
But then again, maybe not.
Both of them are living in a fucking far gone fantasy world … and I sure as fuck don't want to live in either one of them.
See, that's the thing about separation of church and state: I'm not saying YOU can't be a Christian. You can believe that God said "abracadabra" and humans suddenly appeared on earth. You can believe Mary got knocked up without getting laid. You can believe anything you fucking want. Have fun. Just keep your fucked up whackjob fantasies out of my government, legal system and schools.
Or, or, just make it so it's either all theories of "creation" taught in schools, or none. Equality, ya know?
After a 15 hour school day where 90% of the classses are devoted to christianity, islam, judaism, the flying spaghetti monster, etc.. etc.. I'd wager that christians would suddenly go "..uh.. yeah.. we'll.. keep our shit to ourself.. thanks.."
Or maybe not, what do I know, I have cheese in my head.
Mmm.. cheese…
5th January 2008 at 10:49 pm | permalink |@davidgx: What kind of cheese? Is it well aged?
6th January 2008 at 12:37 am | permalink |He is worse than Ron Paul because he doesn't have that evil guy look. Huckabee can't stand scrutiny but he looks so harmless and nice. Still, I hope he gets the nom, no way he will win. It would just prove the Repubs are totally lost.
6th January 2008 at 2:12 pm | permalink |HICKABEE….. BE AFRAID… BE VERY AFRAID….
WE HAD ONE IGNORANT REDNECK DEITY WORSHIPING FUNDIE IN THE WHITEHOUSE FOR THE LAST 7 YEARS… LOOK WHERE THE FUCK IT HAS GOTTEN US…. where is john hinkley when you need him… someone needs to let him out and tell him jodi foster is still thinking about him..
6th January 2008 at 6:17 pm | permalink |Kraft sharp cheddar. Good stuff.
7th January 2008 at 12:49 am | permalink |@larry: True enough, he does look harmless. But yeah, I'd love to see the Repubs hang themselves with their own rope by giving him the nomination.
7th January 2008 at 1:54 am | permalink |@davidgx: Hmm. You might try an artisan sharp cheddar, rather than a mass-produced brand. There's some good stuff coming out of Vermont these days. :-)
7th January 2008 at 3:06 am | permalink |Have I told you as of late how much I love you? Because I do, you sailor mouthed wonderful woman.
7th January 2008 at 1:44 pm | permalink |@undead charles: rofl. Awww. :-)
7th January 2008 at 3:29 pm | permalink |As a lifelong Iowa resident (I caucused for Obama), I can only partially agree with you there. I live in Iowa City, which is like a midwest version of Berkley, CA - I work right downtown and walk past anti-war protests every other day. However, 25 miles outside the liberal oasis that is Iowa City you'll find plenty of backwards rednecks.
I can see why you would think Iowa is a fucked up place for caucusing for such a jackass but…
A) Were the other Republicans any better?
B) Democrats who turned out for the caucuses outnumbered Republicans over 2 to 1.
So yes, we have some bible-thumping, home schooling idiots who believe that Jesus Christ shares their hatred of gays, lesbians, Muslims, immigrants, people who say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” and basically anyone who isn’t just like them.
7th January 2008 at 3:57 pm | permalink |(sorry about the split post - see above post)
…but we don't have the entire redneck population. There are many states where the percentage is a lot higher.
Aside from that, the Republican party is kinda fucked right now. They have spent the last ?? years conning the religious right into voting their way when Convervatism (like real Conservatism - fiscal, Barry Goldwater Conservatism) and religious social views really don't have much to do with one another.
The religious right are nothing more than voting conscripts. They have been duped (and what demographic is more ripe for the duping?) They now realize this - this is why, to a certain extent, the Republican party is so fucked. The traditional conservatives have nobody else to choose from so those Republicans stayed home - hence Hickabee got the nod. Don't blame us… blame the Republican Party - they are reaping what they have (hath?) sown and it serves them right. Greedy C*nts!
7th January 2008 at 4:41 pm | permalink |@chamberlin: I probably should have said "Iowa Republicans" rather than tarring you all with the same brush. ;-)
I've spent most of my life living places where the urban centers were oases of clear-thinking, surrounded by vast oceans of rural redneckery, so I do know what you mean. (Arizona, Oregon and Alaska)
And yeah, the whole Republican field is really horrible this election cycle …
… I'm just genuinely surprised that someone as far gone as Huckabee could actually win a major primary.
7th January 2008 at 5:35 pm | permalink |(I guess I just can't leave well enough alone…)
It just occurred to me that I neglected to mention the most obvious point. The 115,000 Republicans that caucused gave the nod to Huckabee.
…but the 240,000 Democrats that caucused gave the nod to Senator Barack Obama, who will likely become the first African American to be elected President in the history of these United States according to the NH polls, in which he got a 10-13% boost from his Iowa Caucus win. Nevada is iffy but he will definitely take South Carolina thus shutting the door on the Clinton and Edwards (both of whom I also liked). This happened in a state that is 95% white. Whether you are African American, white, a Clinton supporter or an Obama supporter, you have to admit… this is progress.
You're welcome.
Alphabitch: Let me know when you want to come visit…I'll take you to a hog roast, then we'll go cow-tipping.
7th January 2008 at 5:35 pm | permalink |@alphabitch: No worries at all. No offense taken at all. When I got home and watched the results come in for the caucuses, I was equally happy about Obama's win as I was for Huckabee's because there is no WAY he'll get elected. He is nothing short of a poisonous pill that the Republican party now has to swallow. Watch Limbaugh and Fox News attack him. I LOVE IT!
7th January 2008 at 5:44 pm | permalink |@chamberlin: It is heartening to hear that twice as many Democrats turned out. :-)
Even if the Democrats are mostly spineless fucks these days.
As for cow tipping, y'all oughta come up here and try moose tipping sometime. ;-)
7th January 2008 at 10:03 pm | permalink |@alphabitch: Yep… Senate and House Democrats have been pretty spineless these days…no argument there. I'm hoping once they have a true majority (Lieberman doesn't count), they will grow a pair.
I may just have to take you up on the moose-tipping but I should warn you that cow-tipping is actually an old myth; cows sleep lying down. I imagine moose are a lot less docile than your average cow and there are the giant racks on their heads to consider.
…and as for the hog roasts? Yeah ok… we actually DO have hog roasts though I haven't been to one since I was a kid. ;-)
Thanks for the discussion and I like your site (and the attitude).
PS: Iowans rarely use "y'all"… gotta go a couple hundred miles south into Missouri for that. ;-)
7th January 2008 at 10:28 pm | permalink |@chamberlin: Meh, "cow tipping" and "y'all" are inextricably linked in my mind. I know people who grew up in Iowa, and none of them say y'all. And both my next door neighbors had cows when I was a kid. ;-)
Moose, on the other hand … well. hehehe
Hog roasts rock though. Mmm. Roast pig. Mmmmmmmm.
7th January 2008 at 11:42 pm | permalink |Was huckabee's wife wearing shoes?
9th January 2008 at 9:40 am | permalink |Someone should introduce redncks to toilet paper …
@joj: Psh. Everyone knows real women don't wear shoes!
9th January 2008 at 4:29 pm | permalink |I like how some people think of Ron Paul as a kook, but never explain it. Seems if you think that a strict constitutionalist is a kook then you are either living in the wrong country or not getting enough government handouts.
19th January 2008 at 8:31 am | permalink |@josh: I actually did write a whole post about WHY I think Ron Paul is a kook.
I have also supported myself for 17 years, and never received any welfare, food or housing assistance (nor have I applied for any of the above). But thanks for assuming I'm a wannabe leech all the same, dipshit.
And just in case you skipped civics class the day they talked about early US history, the Constitution was designed to be amended as the circumstances and needs of the country changed. The founding fathers weren't arrogant or stupid enough to think their time and place in history was the concrete be-all and end-all of human society.
19th January 2008 at 6:36 pm | permalink |@josh Thinking that the constitution is not a document set in stone is being a kook or not getting enough government handouts? The problem with that philosophy is that it requires one to interpret the framers intent. Since they are not around that would be hard to do really. It's a flawed premise.
People change, times change you either adapt or go extinct. If you try and ignore that, if you try and fight it you'll regret it.
19th January 2008 at 8:27 pm | permalink |Well, from a constitutional standpoint, Huckabee's the worst. The guy actually wants to edit our constitution to fit God's standards. To top that off, he told the people of Michigan to "pray first, work second." Not like they have the highest rate of unemployment in the country or anything…
Honestly, if you're going to vote for a Republican, it's best to just avoid all the main stream candidates and stick with Ron Paul. McCain's policies are identical to Bush's, as are Giuliani's. Romney might be alright, but the policies he proposes on the debate floor contradict what he's said on the campaign trail and on his website… so I can't trust him.
Nah, at least Ron Paul has stuck by his word. We all know what the guy brings, and it's totally constitutional. He offers limited government spending, (highways, parks, etc) limited government influence (repealing the patriot act) and an economy that actually proposes some Upward Mobility socially.
I kinda like the guy, come to think of it.
24th January 2008 at 7:14 am | permalink |Also, Alphabitch, I'm sorry to tell you… but only the Federalists at the time believed that the "elastic clause" of the Constitution should be abused between administrations. The Anti-Federalists that believed in state's rights… Namely Thomas Jefferson… proposed that congress should only amend the constitution when in dire straits.
That said, what our current administration has done has totally obliterated whatever Constitution we have. Believe me, the Bill of Rights is never meant to be edited.
24th January 2008 at 7:17 am | permalink |@james: I'm actually pretty amazed how badly the Republican field is SUCKING this time around. You'd think they'd have one sane, moderate guy in the group … but I still think Ron Paul is a damn fruitloop too, and I'd hate hate hate to see any of those whackjobs get into the White House.
… and yeah, I know the constitution wasn't meant to be changed casually. But there IS a mechanism in place for amending it, therefore it was intended to be amended when necessary, regardless of each faction's opinions on exactly what "when necessary" actually meant. :-)
24th January 2008 at 4:46 pm | permalink |Let's look at what he has said regarding religion. I am looking here: http://www.lewrockwell.com/paul/paul148.html
"Certainly the drafters of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, both replete with references to God, would be aghast at the federal government’s hostility to religion. The establishment clause of the First Amendment was simply intended to forbid the creation of an official state church like the Church of England, not to drive religion out of public life."
He must be reading a super secret version of the US Constitution since the word God is not present.
This one too:
"The Founding Fathers envisioned a robustly Christian yet religiously tolerant America, with churches serving as vital institutions that would eclipse the state in importance. Throughout our nation’s history, churches have done what no government can ever do, namely teach morality and civility. Moral and civil individuals are largely governed by their own sense of right and wrong, and hence have little need for external government. This is the real reason the collectivist Left hates religion: Churches as institutions compete with the state for the people’s allegiance, and many devout people put their faith in God before their faith in the state. Knowing this, the secularists wage an ongoing war against religion, chipping away bit by bit at our nation’s Christian heritage. Christmas itself may soon be a casualty of that war."
I don't think I need to comment really.
24th January 2008 at 4:53 pm | permalink |Yeah, definitely. That explains this Jefferson quote.
24th January 2008 at 5:08 pm | permalink |