"Nice" dolls and FAO Schwartz
So I was going to write about the situation in Gaza … but fuckit. I don't have any magic solutions to the Israel/Palestine issue, except something along the lines of, "knock it the fuck off, both of you" (which is the same advice I give my dogs when they get too rambunctious in the house, and also good advice for fighting children—minus "the fuck," of course).
So, I was sitting here figuring out some SQL nonsense, and listening to This American Life with half an ear, when a piece on a ridiculous department store baby doll "adoption center" caught my attention. The woman's description of how employees had to stay "in character" as they talked to parents and children about the dolls made my nose wrinkle.
"OK, now all you have to do is pay the adoption fee…"
Dear get-a-fucking-grip god.
And the story went on. It went from funny-in-a-creepy-way to downright disturbing when FAO Schwartz ran out of white dolls after MTV ran a segment about the adoption center … with only weeks left before Christmas, and the baby factory on back-order. You can imagine where things go from here. Rich white families coming in to "adopt," only to realize there's nothing left but *gasp* yellow and brown babies.
Now, according to the narrator, Elna Baker, there was actually one white baby left. Nicknamed "Nubbins" by the adoption center 'nurses', the "display baby" was a factory fuckup. Its fingers were fused together like flippers (what I want to know is why didn't they nickname it "The Penguin"…), and its head was abnormally heavy. They carried Nubbins around, swaddled up in a blanket at all times, deformed hands hidden, its leaden head carefully propped up in a lifelike posture, as they took turns rocking and bouncing the doll like a fussy infant.
Desperate parents would ask to see the coveted white baby, but turn back to the off-color models when they saw Nubbins' grotesque flipper-hands and bobbing deadweight head. The "nurses" started betting whether or not little baby Nubbins would be "adopted" before the minority babies sold out. First the Asian babies sold out. Then the Mexican babies started moving. And finally, the FAO nursery was left with incubators full of black babies, and one red-headed, much abused, display-model mutant.
With the bet still standing, and Christmas drawing ever closer, dear optimistic Elna was still betting against Nubbins. You really must listen to the whole thing.
I mean I'd have to say, after taking a look at the baby doll catalog on the manufacturer's website, the "second class" babydolls are definitely the best-looking ones in the bunch. But, one can't have their darling blonde wannabe Daughter of The American Revolution carrying a brown doll around, now can they? As Ms. Baker pondered, someone might think their hispanic gardener knocked up their seven-year-old, or something.
After hearing that whole story, when I went looking for more information about these ridiculous dolls, I came across this even still more depressing documentary:
In-fucking-deed. Even though good-hearted Elna implied it was only the parents with the ridiculous objection to the non-white dolls, it would seem that even the majority of black children would likely pick a white baby if given the chance.
How fucking sad is that?!
See, there's probably no way in flaming hell a black man would have gotten elected President of the United States if the country wasn't being driven into the ground by old white men in the first place. But now that he's there, even though he'll be entirely occupied with massive damage control projects, just by getting into Washington and doing a better job than the fuckups who came before him, he'll probably still do more for racial issues than he could if he ever came out and actually said anything openly about it.
Talking about race, after all, can't accomplish much with the sort of racism displayed by the mothers at the FAO "nursery". Those women would probably rather donate their life savings to the NAACP than admit their own predjudice. And when you're not willing to talk about something, you can't very well do anything openly to fix it, can you? The first step is admitting you have a problem, after all…
And the poor little kids in the documentary? They don't even have words yet to explain why they think the doll that looks more like them is the "bad" one … but you'd better believe having an unspoken assumption like that in your head at such a young age is going to fuck with you as you grow older. Having someone a little more tanned than usual in the White House has got to be a good thing, even though it doesn't even come close to overwhelming the ratio of white to minority models in girls magazines (just as one example).
So, what to think? Here we are, just days before the inauguration of the most groundbreaking president in United States history, and black baby dolls (to say nothing of real adopted babies) are still not even second class citizens … apparently they come in third.
The adopted baby shit is just too fucking depressing to discuss. So, about magic solutions for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I have two:
1. Set up a UN barrier around Israel and the Gaza. No ships, planes, vehicles or people in or out. Any attempt to violate this and you get sunk, shot down, blown up or killed. Leave it this way until they have to use sticks, stones and knuckles to beat each other to death. Starvation would be used as an incentive. Survivors would be allowed to talk peace.
2. Nuke 'em all and let God sort 'em out. Seriously. Turn Israel and the Gaza to glass. I've had it with all those fucking cunts in the middle east.
Hope this helps.
13th January 2009 at 10:15 am | permalink |Or, the US could just stop propping up the longest-running Apartheid regime of the modern era. And people could grow balls and tell the ADL to go fuck itself, and repeatedly tell people that their collective societal guilt about the holocaust has nothing to do with the humans rights abuses perpetrated by a nation-state.
Though, if we're talking magical solutions, I'd go with dropping all of the hateful, violent, warmongering people in the region – Jews, Muslims, Christians – onto a small uninhabited Pacific island and make millions off the worlds newest (and realest) reality TV show. And let the people who aren't fucking psychos get on with their lives without worrying about random rocket attacks, or being herded into a building which is promptly shelled repeatedly.
13th January 2009 at 8:19 pm | permalink |All that said, if the US cut off aid to Israel (which ain't gonna happen in my lifetime, I'd bet … except I also used to bet there wouldn't be a black president in my lifetime. heh), there'd have to be a massive peacekeeping force sent in to save a lot of innocent asses, because it'd be a fight like two rabid hyenas couldn't imagine. Even if the Israeli government rolled on its back and got all nicey-nice overnight, there are (obviously) way too many grudges being held over there for any instant forgiveness.
Besides, there's a lot of oil in the middle east. The US likes oil. The US wants a guaranteed ally over there. So we're buying one.
Dammit. And here I said I wasn't going to write about fucking Gaza. *sigh* Damn thread hijackers.
13th January 2009 at 10:23 pm | permalink |Hey, hijacking works. You shouldn't have negotiated with us the first time.
I still think there should just be a UN-mandated (or something) block of land in the middle of a desert somewhere, and on this block of land they build a paintball arena. Except, instead of paintball, it's real, oldschool battle to the death stuff, where anyone with an axe to grind can come let off steam (and/or blood) and leave everyone else in peace.
Hell, do it David and Goliath style with two champions who duke it out. Winner takes all. Then there's a rematch, and another, and another. And while all the rematches are happening, the respective factions can get on with life, maybe watching the nightly cage match on the sports report.
Not much different to ye olde lordes settling things with a duel. Same as now, the citizenry has to live with the actions of an elite-ish class, except this way, there's much less colateral damage.
The age of chivalry. But with a series of tubes, and more fat people.
14th January 2009 at 5:12 am | permalink |@grimbles: Well, that's all very well and good … except you'd put the UFC out of business! Think of all the poor guys who want to beat people up for a living, out of work. Sheesh.
14th January 2009 at 2:45 pm | permalink |They could join up, and fight for the right to kick the shit out of each other.
Ooh, and not only would people be able to have national sponsors, you could have corporate sponsors to assuage the neo-libs. We all know Nike, Nestle and Walmart have been waiting desperately for a chance to get some blood sport sponsorship deals.
I can see it now: "And Vinne 'Walmart' Jones wins the bout! If only the other guy had bought his ammunition at… Wwwwwalmaaaaarrrrt!!"
14th January 2009 at 6:42 pm | permalink |hahahaha … that's twisted.
15th January 2009 at 5:16 pm | permalink |You know it's only a matter of time before that shit happens for real. Hipster dystopia, here we come…
15th January 2009 at 6:22 pm | permalink |@ grimbles: "I'd go with dropping all of the hateful, violent, warmongering people in the region – Jews, Muslims, Christians – onto a small uninhabited Pacific island and make millions off the worlds newest (and realest) reality TV show."
Toss in an atheist and I'll wrap production before we get a greenlight.
@ alpha: *hijack* *hijack* *hijack*
16th January 2009 at 3:49 pm | permalink |@Becca: Y'know, I'd ask to join the Official Atheist Brigade, but damn … if something went wrong, I'd feel so stupid for dying that way.
Well, at least for a little while, until I was actually dead. hehe
16th January 2009 at 6:14 pm | permalink |I'd die for the official atheist brigadae too, except that I wouldn't achieve forgiveness or get to heaven – and thats all I really want from life (after all thats what everyone has taught me since I was two years old).
16th January 2009 at 6:38 pm | permalink |@ian: See, I'm in it for the worldly rewards. It'd be a shame to give them up for a bunch of assholes who think they're going to heaven after they're killed.
16th January 2009 at 6:44 pm | permalink |Dammit – you're being much too sensible – after all what is the point of living if you can't die at the end of it and go to heaven
16th January 2009 at 7:10 pm | permalink |@ian: I'm figuring that one out as I go along.
So far, the only purpose I've figured out is "being happy". hehe
I guess that's pretty weak compared to an eternity of indescribable bliss, but it's working for me so far. lol
17th January 2009 at 3:18 am | permalink |