10 Signs You're a Drunk-ass Cunt Who Needs to Quit the Boozing

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All this political hoo-hah is fun and all, but I think it's time to lighten things up around here. Nevermind the fact that I am either a liberal wacko or a fascist who wants to steal your tax money at gunpoint … I already knew that. Let us now turn our attention to matters that transcend party politics: BOOZE!

Y'know, I like drinking. Really I do. Even to excess on occasion. (OK, regularly.) But I've never been 86'd from anywhere and I've only been refused service in a bar once (years ago). People don't roll their eyes and say, "Oh lord, here we go again," when I pick up a beer. The party does not quietly sneak over to the other side of the bonfire, hoping I won't notice I'm talking to myself. So, while my liver may not love me all that much, I think I'm pretty well qualified to play high and mighty on the following assertions … here are 10 no-shit signs that you really ought to quit drinking, but are probably too much of a brain-damaged alcoholic dumbass to notice.

1. Your room is trashed, you've been 86'd from the hotel, but you don't remember what happened. You did not leave the door open when you checked out, allowing some anonymous prankster to go in there to kick the legs off the hotel room desk. Yes, drunk-ass, YOU trashed your own fucking room. When the hotel calls and tells you you're no longer welcome there, do not try and blame someone else. Lay off the booze and quit pissing on the carpets, fuckwit. Didn't your mother housebreak you as a child?
2. You drink so much you can't walk, and then pop pills to keep yourself awake. No, morphine does NOT sober your junkie-ass up after you finish your second pint of whiskey for the morning. Neither does meth. Nothing does. All you're doing is destroying your liver at an exponentially faster rate than by drinking alone, and you're pissing everyone else off, because all the non-junkies just really want you to shut the fuck up, go home, and let them pass out in peace.
3. You drive drunk so often, you've forgotten how to drive sober. Everyone in the neighborhood has had to help pull your car out of the ditch at least once. You can't own a vehicle for six months without driving it into a tree or someone else's house. You're going to kill someone sooner or later, and we all not-so-secretly hope it's only yourself.
4. After a few drinks, everyone suddenly starts yelling at you. And they're not yelling anything fun, like "Toga! Toga!" or "YeeeHAW!". They're yelling "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Or maybe, "Knock it off, and sit the fuck down!" By the end of a party, someone has inevitably punched you (or worse). Guess what? It's not just because everyone always picks on you. If you can't behave like a decent human being when you're drinking, put the booze down and go to bed, jackass.
5. You can't open the cupboard where you keep the trash can, because you'll start a beer can avalanche. And you're too fucking drunk most of the time to notice your kitchen smells like cheap, stale malt liquor. But if you live somewhere with a can return deposit, at least your family can go grocery shopping with the change from returning your rotting pile of beer cans every couple of weeks.
6. After you've gone through a case of beer, you lock your wife out of the house until she brings you more. Even though it's past closing time at the liquor store. And you wouldn't give her the car keys anyway. On the night she finally decides not to come home, rest assured she found a halfway sober, nice guy to take the place of your worthless ass.
7. You wait for the local store to open in the morning, so you can go get a drink. Whether your breakfast of choice is Jaegermeister, Mickeys or wine coolers, you're a sick, sick, fucked-up person. You probably keep mini bottles of booze in your glove compartment, so you can take shots when you go outside for a cigarette at work, don't you?
8. You forget to feed your children and/or pets, because you're brain-dead drunk all the time. You're so busy taking care of your buzz, you can't take care of anyone or anything else. Your dogs' ribs stick out so far the neighbors can count them. Your children have to remind you to make dinner. If your fish are all floating upside down because you accidentally fed them tequila instead of fish food, just do the world a favor and shoot yourself, OK?
9. You're constantly blaming other people for ruining your good time when you're drinking. If you're the only person in the crowd who's good time is always ruined, and it's always someone else's fault (even though it's a different person every time), it might … just maybe … be YOUR drunk fuckup ass that's causing the problem. If you can't remember exactly what happened to make so-and-so act like such a bitch to you all of a sudden, the answer is probably right there in the mirror, all blurry and wobbly and looking suspiciously like your long-lost twin brother.
10. When you walk into your regular bar, people look away … or leave. Chances are, you did something godawful last time you were there (or the last ten times you were there), and you don't remember what it was. If you're ordering doubles, and getting drinks that taste suspiciously like half shots, this might also be a hint. Or maybe all the old bartenders start cutting you off after three drinks? Do the new bartenders all know your name before you've met them … and then cut you off after three drinks as well? Quit now, before you're 86'd from there too.

All of these items are based on true stories. Names have been omitted to protect the guilty. I'm not sure why, but it seems like the right thing to do. They all fuck their own lives up badly enough without my help. One hopes the folks who's friends charitably describe them as "a nice [guy/gal] when s/he's sober," might get a fucking hint some day and sober their asses up. I, however, am not holding my breath.

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