Feel free to stalk our every post with the f*cking c*nts RSS feed, subscribe to f-ckingc-nts.com by email, follow our new posts and random comments on Twitter, or become a fan on facebook. Go on. You know you want to! All the cool kids are doing it ...

There's one less child molester in the world today, and we're all going to be assaulted by memorial retrospective teevee specials about it for the next month. Michael Jackson is dead. And good riddance to the batshit crazy pedophile. Fuck him.

And fuck everyone who's driveling on about how "tragic" it is, and how sad they are, and how it's like their childhood died today. And screw the folks simpering about his poor, poor children who have to grow up without him … they're better off. I'm relieved for them. Of course they'll be sad and all, but maybe they'll be able to finish growing up surrounded by a little less crazy now. Maybe they'll be able to go out in public without masks on now … and get into some good therapy before they're permanently mentally fucked like their so-called dad (who is the only black man on earth who could "father" multiple white children, blonde mom or not).

And yeah, yeah, yeah, I know he was acquitted at his child molestation trial. Puh-leeeeeze. OJ was acquitted at his murder trial too, and how many people believe that means he's innocent? Seriously, grown men do not share their beds with little kids unless they're fathers and one of their own kids had a nightmare and came to sleep with mommy & daddy where it's safe. However, wronged people do shut the fuck up about things if very very rich people offer to buy their silence at the right price.
[continued …]

And, to bitch a little more about this whole Proposition 8 thing … this video is fucking brilliant. I'm so glad someone else brought up the bit about stoning your bride to death on her father's doorstep if you discover she's not a virgin on your wedding night. The Bible is waaaay more explicit about that than it is about homosexuality.

Thanks to The Gay Atheist for the twitter link.

Y'know, I have many reasons to dislike California. There's the overcrowding. There's the interminable cultural void that is the entire Southern half of the state. There's the fact that they regularly manage to suck the Colorado river dry before it reaches the ocean, because people think they need lawns, golf courses, and fucking PALM TREES in a goddamn DESERT. But y'know what? Their assfuckingbackwards Supreme Court really took the cake this week.

One minute they tell everyone that same-sex marriage is a constitutional right. Intelligent, logical, open-minded folk everywhere rejoice. Then when the silent bigot majority passes Prop 8 (so much for CA's rep as a liberal hippie wacko state, eh?), the justices decide that really, when you get down to it, a "right" is only actually a "right" so long as a majority of the state population agrees with it.

God help us all if the SCOTUS worked like that:

[continued …]

Y'know, she could have saved sooo much time on her answer by just saying, "Me neither!" But maybe "neither" is a bigger word than she can handle?

When a woman goes sex toy shopping, she has three basic options: External vibrators, internal vibrators, and non-vibrating dildos. Of course there are probably eleventy billion variations on each theme, but that's all they are: variations on a theme. Then along comes the Sasi… quite possibly the most extravagantly hyped women's sex toy since Sex & The City gushed over the Rabbit Habit. I read reviews saying it was the best oral-sex-simulator EVAR. Some women reported "teeth chattering" orgasms. It has a "sensual intelligence" feature that allows the Sasi to "remember" which patterns you like best (like the 'favorites' playlist on your mp3 player). Holy crap this thing is supposed to be the best toy since the Hitachi Magic Wand … possibly even better!
[continued …]

You thought back when Stephen Colbert skewered Bush at the Washington Correspondents' Dinner, somebody got fired for inviting him, right? I sure as fuck did. But as it happens, his victims might not have even realized he was being mean.

Seriously. This is un-fucking-believable. A significant number of conservatives polled think Colbert is only pretending to be joking … it's all us LibTards™ who are getting fooled, don't'cha know! That's right. The right-wingnuts of America are so mind-bogglingly stupid they think Stephen Colbert is pulling one over on The Liberal Media™. He's actually a bastion of NeoCon purity and fervor.

I'd love to rant about this some more, but I already pointed out once that Fox News devotees are stupid, and I'd hate to beat a dead, retarded horse like that. I just honestly had no idea even they could possibly be that stupid.

Yessirre. That whole teabagging thing TOTALLY showed those spendthrift tax-and-spend bastards what was what, didn't it? So, rather than let their sleeper cells go back to napping, Fox News continues to rile up the ignorant masses for the seeming sole purpose of entertaining those of us with brains and a little education…

Teabagging alone isn't enough! Behold, to the right, the teabaggers' new event poster. THEY'RE FISTING NOW TOO!!! That's goddamn right! That "teabag" thing was just getting a little too gay, wasn't it? REAL men use their FISTS!!!11!1!!

Once again, a helpful reminder: Obama's proposed tax rates will be lower than Clinton's… AND Reagan's. Reagan. He's one of your guys, you morons. Y'know. Revitalized the American Conservative "movement"? Mr. Republican/right-wing wholesome all-American icon? For most of Reagan's two terms in office, the top marginal tax rate was FIFTY PERCENT. Obama's top tax rate will be under 40%
[continued …]

Check the sign on the right-hand side of the photo …

You think YOU wish stupid hurt?! You don't know the half of it, you right-wing braindead Alabama-ass fuckwit. If stupid hurt, the pain might actually kill you.

Priceless photo courtesy of Teabagging, Alabama Style at toxic culture.

So Michelle Obama decided to grow an organic garden at the White House, and get some local schoolkids involved in the project. Sounds all happy-warm-fuzzy, doesn't it? Apparently not to everyone … nosiree, the folks at the Mid-America CropLife Association sure don't think so, according to a newsletter sent out to their members:

Did you hear the news? The White House is planning to have an "organic" garden on the grounds to provide fresh fruits and vegetables for the Obama's and their guests. While a garden is a great idea, the thought of it being organic made Janet Braun, CropLife Ambassador Coordinator and I shudder. As a result, we sent a letter encouraging them to consider using crop protection products and to recognize the importance of agriculture to the entire U.S. economy. Read below for the entire letter.

They go on to ask their readers to write the White House with the same request. Because, y'know, organic produce is just so cringeworthy. I mean, really! How the fuck did plants even grow before humans came along and invented synthetic fertilizers & chemical pesticides?! How did people eat before the advent of "RoundUp Ready" frankenplants?!

This is such unbelievable horseshit. Here's the First Family, starting a little project to show people that yes, indeed, you can grow your own food (given a bit of land to work with). You can be a little self-sufficient, and you don't need to spray/sprinkle/pour a bunch of laboratory-engineered bullshit all over your plants to do it. And the greedhead fuckers at MACA want them to stop, because they're somehow undermining the "importance of agriculture to the entire US economy" by doing it?! I assume they actually mean the Obamas are failing to cheerlead the importance of large-scale, industrial, chemically-sodden agriculture to the chemical manufacturing sector of the economy.

Is ConAgra going to write to them next, encouraging them to use patented plant varieties that don't produce fertile seeds? (Yup, big agri-business is ALL about making sure farmers have to buy truckloads of their seeds every year, because they've managed to create plants that can't reproduce.) Or maybe a coalition of boil-in-bag & microwave dinner manufacturers should chastise them for suggesting that pre-cooked, pre-packaged food isn't the optimal choice for family dinner? Or maybe the Daughters of the American Revolution can band together with some throwback Confederate organization and congratulate them on recognizing the traditional role of black children in agriculture, but respectfully request they appoint a white man to oversee the fieldworkers schoolkids?
[continued …]

April 15th has been declared International "Hit Someone With A Newspaper" Day, and I have been asked to help promote it. Considering I still need to START my taxes here in the US, I suspect that's exactly what I'll feel like doing at some point. I expect I'll be celebrating.

IMO, this is a much more worthy iconic April holiday than April Fools. April Fools is hopelessly overdone. People don't spend time setting up elaborate and enjoyable pranks … instead, people walk up to you and say you have something on your face, or newscasters say ridiculous things in lieu of headlines, and follow with "APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHA" less than 30 seconds later. Fucking stupid.

The least the fucking newscasters could do was a full-length Onion-style story, and wait 'till the end of the broadcast to say April Fools.

SO! I call on everyone to spread the word. Turn Hit Someone With A Newspaper Day into the next No Pants Day! Hell, get Hallmark on board, and turn it into the next Secretary's Day or something.

Of all the fucking useless holidays in the US-of-Greeting-Cards-A, Hit Someone With A Newspaper Day has a lot more going for it: You get to release some stress, hopefully make someone laugh (so long as you don't hit 'em too hard … unless they deserve it), your odds of criminal prosecution are fairly low (unless you hit a politician, law enforcement officer, or TSA employee), and be a part of an exciting new grassroots holiday movement! And I'm sure those of you around the world can find your own silly local holidays to supplant with this gem… ;-)

April 15th is International Hit Someone With A Newspaper Day! Help us celebrate!