It's Loo-og, It's Loo-og … and it's available at Pottery Barn
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No shit.
Only they're not "logs" … they're "rustic wood accent tables". And they're available for only $199–$249, depending on whether you want the short (18") or tall (24") model. Both are 15–18" in diameter.
The natural lines of our reclaimed-wood stools are hewn from the trunks of Argentinian cypress trees that have died of natural causes. They’ve been smoothed and finished to bring out their inherent character.
For fuck's sake, THEY'RE SELLING POLISHED FUCKING LOGS FOR $200+ DOLLARS!
I'm sure when John Kricfalusi did the Log Song skit for Ren & Stimpy, he was intending it as a satirical jab at American consumer culture. Not that he actually thought someone was going to start selling high dollar logs.
They're. Selling. Logs. Someone needs to be beaten about the head and shoulders for this. Waterboarding might not be out of the question …
… unless some Argentinian peasant came up with the brilliant idea to market these things to get one over on all the bloated, greedy American yuppie fuckheads. In that case, I want to fly down to Argentina, and shake his hand. I doubt it though. I'm sure if this was some benevolent gesture to help lift Argentinian natives out of poverty, or something like that, Pottery Barn would be milking the rich-liberal-white-guilt card for all it was worth in their product description.
Nope, amazingly enough, this is no joke. And it's no feel-good grassroots economic stimulus program for rural Argentinians. This is just plain and simple disgusting out-of-control consumer culture. Anyone who buys one of these things needs to be slapped repeatedly while someone takes an axe to their "accent table" and teaches them how to build a fucking fire in their unused decorator fireplace.
The Oprah book club that meets in this room needs beating.
So, while your yuppie ass is marveling at the rustic, natural feel your new LOGS bring to your home decor, I want you to also consider the carbon & pollution cost of trucking a bunch of goddamned logs up to the United States. And I want you to consider how much more good your $200+ would have done for a cause like Heifer International. Then I want you to write a will decreeing that all your earthly possessions be auctioned, and the proceeds be given to charity. And finally, I want you to shoot yourself.
What rolls down stairs
alone or in pairs,
and over your neighbor's dog?
What's great for a snack,
And fits on your back?
It's log, log, logIt's log, it's log,
It's big, it's heavy, it's wood.
It's log, it's log, it's better than bad, it's good.Everyone wants a log
You're gonna love it, log
Come on and get your log
Everyone needs a log
log log log*whistle*
LOG FROM BLAMMO
Then again … I have to clear a bunch of land to build a house soon. I wonder if there's a market for "rustic, hand-finished Alaskan birch accent tables." Y'think?
Did ya get that thing I sent ya? (check your email)
2nd February 2008 at 6:44 am | permalink |I could see this more if it was, say Myrtle wood. Not that Cypress isn't pretty, but Myrtle wood is amazingly beautiful when polished up and is pretty rare. (Okay, so I'm a bit prejudiced because my family used to own a Myrtle woodshop and retail outlet in Grant's Pass, Oregon)
2nd February 2008 at 9:01 am | permalink |ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!! I'm surprised you didn't take more digs at the "died of natural causes" line. ;-)
2nd February 2008 at 9:04 am | permalink |@davidgx: Will have to check my email again …
@eric: Even then. It's a log. For $200 I want hand carved decorations and brass accents, at the very least. ;-)
@rae: Well goodness, doesn't it go without saying that Pottery Barn wouldn't go murdering the poor trees?!
2nd February 2008 at 5:08 pm | permalink |WOW. Not that you can't add natural elements to your leather livingroom- but damn…
And I bet unlike logs- you can't just burn it when you realize you've been had by the designer and copy writter.
4th February 2008 at 4:37 pm | permalink |@metis: Yeah, I guess burnability would depend on what they use to finish it …
… it'd be a damn expensive fire even if you could, though. hehe
4th February 2008 at 4:51 pm | permalink |those things are hideous. and, if you really needed a log, could chop one down and stain it yourself for damned near nothing. but the ferns are really a nice touch. -rme-
24th February 2008 at 10:53 am | permalink |@cole: Yes, I think the ferns really pull everything together nicely, don't they? *gag*
24th February 2008 at 3:49 pm | permalink |O SI! I have known many polished Argentinians who died of natural causes.
3rd March 2008 at 3:29 pm | permalink |@pedro: I wonder if the polishing process is especially hard on them? lol
3rd March 2008 at 3:59 pm | permalink |After I read this fucking article I could NOT get that fucking song out of my head,,,,, … http://es.youtube.com/watch?v=dPHtKarae2Q
3rd March 2008 at 5:48 pm | permalink |@pedro: It is a catchy little tune, isn't it? hehehe
3rd March 2008 at 7:06 pm | permalink |HA HA HA! Pottery Barn is the worst!
8th April 2008 at 11:44 am | permalink |@holly: Before this, I would have said, "Yeah, they're bad, but they can't be the worst …" Now, I might just have to agree. ;-)
8th April 2008 at 2:42 pm | permalink |Gotta love someone who watches Ren & Stimpy.
11th April 2008 at 10:55 am | permalink |Hey nice theme song for the site too… "I may not be homosexual but I've slept with a guy who's one"?
@barrybham: Well, I did disclaim the song with the note that the content of the lyrics really had nothing to do with the site. ;-)
11th April 2008 at 4:39 pm | permalink |