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This week was a good one for search phrases … I am apparently only a proper blog entry away from becoming one of the world’s authorities on “dolphins molesting humans”. Also I somehow solicit more highbrow inquiries such as the “top 10 most enlightened people” and “ways to become more cultured” … which are, perhaps, out of the intended scope of this little site. “Every swear word in the world” is an awfully tempting challenge, but I think it requires more involvement than a Search of the Week can really accommodate. So, I’m going with the “how the hell did that phrase lead someone here” option: The Top 10 Things That America Enjoys
As I am an American, I figure I’m an expert on the subject, no? So, here you have a list of gross stereotypes about Americans, that nonetheless hold true for a depressingly large portion of the populace:
- Very exclusive sports … You know, the kind that no other nation on earth plays, like baseball, basketball and American football. We don’t like subtle sports, like what everyone else calls “football”. We don’t like sports where a “World Series” might involve actually losing one of our sports to someone from another country … which leads me to our next item:
- Xenophobia … We like not liking other people. Especially if they are brown. We like to call Europeans “Communists” because they have nationalized healthcare and functional social service systems. We like to call Muslims “Towelheads” because they have a strange religion and want to kill us all. If we throw a war and nobody else comes, it doesn’t mean it may be a bad idea, it means everyone else on earth is wrong!
- Dysfunction … Everyone is dysfunctional. We like to give them all labels, and then figure out some way to medicate them into submission. Are you depressed? Do you suffer from social anxiety? Do your children argue or knock over breakable furnishings? Have trouble getting an erection? Does your woman not want sex often enough? We have pills that can help with that.
- Crap food … Half of every American supermarket is devoted to food products that involve no more preparation than boiling, heating in the oven, or microwaving. We invented McDonalds burgers. When we travel abroad, we eat American fast food. If we order food in a real foreign restaurant, we complain loudly about the strange things on the menu. We will eat mass produced hot dogs, but not haggis.
- Sexism … Pakistan has elected a female head of state; the United States has not. I think that pretty much sums things up.
An entirely more sensibly reasoned and sober analysis of the “cunt” issue than you’ll ever find here:
the f-word – Taboo for Who?
See now, when you read that headline, you agreed instantly, didn’t you? “Infant mutilation?! Good gracious,nobody could get behind that!” Yeah, nobody except for the parents of 70% of the men in the United States … quite possibly including you, dear reader. Yes, YOU. I personally know the list includes my mother and the mother of almost every man I’ve been to bed with … Ritual infant genital mutilation, friends. Circumcision. Unnecessary removal of an infant boy’s foreskin. That’s what I’m talking about. Not the universally-decried-by-every-decent-white-person-on-earth female version of the procedure. No siree. If you are an American parent of a son, you are more than likely in the group that had your son’s cock cut to ribbons at birth.
Aren’t you? Yup. Go on. Admit it parents … you did, didn’t you? Thoughtless fucking sheep that you are.
Why? Because it’s “cleaner” that way? Sorry, but unless your son was born so fucking retarded he’d never be able to bathe himself, that’s a bullshit excuse. Do you really think that thousands of years of human history were plagued by the constant risk of young men dying of penile gangrene? No, see, the problem here is that fucking Americans are so goddamn uptight and squeamish, and terrified of anything vaguely suggestive of any kind of sexual anything … I’d bet at least half of American parents would be afraid to wash their own baby’s genitals properly, and the poor kids would end up being given emergency circumcisions as toddlers due to massive neglect-induced infections.
But hey, if your kid can survive to adolescence with his dick intact, I’m sure the companies that bring us such clever products as Massengil douche, FDS “feminine deodorant spray” and various anti-bacterial “intimate cleansing wipes” would be thrilled to have a whole new market for their unnecessary germ-o-phobic bullshit “personal hygiene” products. I was not even going try to imagine what they might come up with, but nonetheless, images pop into my head unbidden: Massengil bottles in powder blue packaging, with innovative attachments at the end of their irrigation nozzles … they’d see to it that your baby boy could keep his cock nice and clean without ever having to actually touch himself, I’m quite certain.
Here I am, sitting at the local bar … and over there on the wall is a large embossed metal advertising sign for Mickey’s beer. Or, rather, “Mickey’s Fine Malt Liquor”. And when I looked at it, I knew. I was no longer at a loss for a rant for today. In fact, I was so inspired I had to get my computer out of my truck and get to writing before the moment passed. Because the advertising industry are absolute, unrepentant, morally bankrupt, utter fucking cunts … there is NO SUCH FUCKING THING as “fine” malt liquor.
[For those of you unfamiliar with the finer points of the North American brewing industry, allow me to offer an analogy: There is fine wine. There is OK wine. There is cheap overly-strong wine in screw-top gallon jugs. Malt liquor is the gallon jug wine of the beer universe. If the phrase “Malt Liquor” is prefaced with the word “Fine,” it only means it is flavorless enough that it might not make you gag.]
Hanging next to me on the wall right now is a mirrored promotional sign for Miller High Life. Perhaps a step above malt liquor? But I’d argue no … it is equally as vile tasting, but it won’t get you drunk nearly as quickly. If you’re drinking something nasty, you’re almost certainly drinking to get drunk, so let’s just admit that efficiency is an asset in the beverage in question, shall we? Now, this sign asserts that Miller High Life is “The Champagne of Beers.” If, by “champagne” you mean “pale fizzy liquid,” then I’ll go with that. But, for fuck’s sake, every time an American advertising hack uses anything French as a descriptive, they are trying to make the product sound fine and cultured.
Really, never mind the whole “Freedom Fries” debacle, or the half-assed boycott of French cheese and wine in the early days of America’s current worldwide military humiliation campaign … the advertising industry knows the truth: “French” means “quality and class” to Americans, and that is why we hate them. If we can make shit beer and tell ourselves it’s as good as champagne, then we’ve got one over on them, haven’t we? We don’t need their stinking champagne! We have Miller High Life and sparkling wine in screw-top bottles!
For everything I long to do / no matter when or where or who / has one thing in common, too:
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a … it’s a sin. It’s a sin. ~ Pet Shop Boys, It’s a Sin
Sin is rubbish. Utter fucking rubbish. I am somehow expected to believe that there is some omnipotent being in the sky who, even though “He” is responsible for all of creation, mostly spends his time being a peeping tom. I mean sure, He is also supposedly concerned with whether humans actually do bad things, like stealing and killing each other, but when you consider the amount of time humans spend having sex (with themselves or others) compared to the amount of time they spend actually going around committing violent antisocial crimes, God must essentially be a career pervert who plays policeman in his spare time.
God: “Did she just stick that dildo up her ass?! Oh my Self … onanism and sodomy in one go … and now she’s taking My name in vain …” [shifts in His seat] “… that’s actually rather hot.”
[angels start twittering]
God: [coughs—straightens Self up] “TO HELL WITH HER! Fucking humans … always sodamnably embarrassing …”
… that’s your Great and Powerful Oz, who I am supposed to bow down to and live in fear of? Really now? How in the fuck am I supposed to take Him seriously as any kind of respectable moral authority when he’s equally as concerned with my sex life as he is with whether or not I torture and kill small children? And not only is this God a fucking nosy little pervert, he’s SO susceptible to flattery that no matter how horrible your sins, all you have to do is say you’re sorry and bow down to His “son”, and you’re forgiven?! Fucking hell! What a racket!
And thus we introduce a new feature here at f*cking c*nts: the Search Of The Week (SOTW) … inspiration struck while I was marveling over my nascent collection of referring search phrases*. In amongst perfectly sensible things like “worst swear word in america” and “synonym+cunt” was “top 10 ways to recognize a homosexual” … *blink* … for fuck’s sake.
My first impulse was to write an entry entitled something like “fucking ignorant homophobic cunts … piss off”, but then I remembered: the customer is always right. So as there seems to be a need for such reference material, I hereby present our first Search Of The Week: Top 10 Ways to Recognize a Homosexual. For the purposes of this list, I am assuming the searcher in question was interested in identifying male homosexuals, as nobody seems terribly worried about identifying and/or avoiding contact with lesbians … so, if it was you who were so terribly concerned with determining which of the men around you may or may not be gay, read on and be enlightened.
(And yes, I know I said I was going to write about dolphin sex, but public duty calls! Dolphin sex will just have to wait.)
- Loiter across the street from the entrance to a known gay bar every night for two consecutive weeks. Men you see entering and leaving the establishment on an almost daily basis are most likely homosexual. (Men who only hang ’round there one or two nights a week might just enjoy dancing to good techno music. Women who frequent the establishment might just enjoy not being picked up on in bars.)
- If you’re still not sure, you can follow the gentleman you’re curious about into the gay bar, and see if he seems to be picking up on other men, or making out with them in the bathroom. If so, he is quite likely gay.
- Follow your targeted individual home, and try to peer in through his bedroom window. If he gets into bed with another man, or masturbates while looking at nude photos of other men, he is almost certainly a homosexual.
So, yes, today in my quest for new and interesting things to share with the wide world of the social bookmarking services, I clicked an old bookmark for an article on a university website about a person’s experience with a pair of dolphins kept at the Kewalo Basin research facility in Hawaii. (Where is this going, you wonder … get to the part about the sex, already!) Well, tragically, the page seems to be gone. I even checked archive.org, and while they’d dutifully archived the introductory page of the piece, the longer page with all the good bits about captive dolphin masturbation habits, and tales of female dolphins molesting humans in their pool … no archive. Sorry.
So, I went on about my day, listening to The Jeff Show on Virgin Radio, thanking heavens that the UK’s watershed hour on broadcast media happens halfway through my workday, making radio listening much more interesting (and why the fuck can’t the FCC let us hear/see naughty things late at night on US broadcast media?!), when next thing I know, there’s Jeff talking about swimming with dolphins … and how dolphins molest humans (among other cruel tricks, like slapping people and holding them under water). If only I could find a cached version of that page somewhere, I’d send it along to them.
I have not given up though … there MUST be a copy of that page SOMEWHERE on the interwebs.
Americans (meaning United Statesians … yes, I know “America” consists of two entire continents, fuckoff thank you) are in the unfortunate position of only really knowing two ways to use the word cunt. Both are considered so shockingly offensive, it’s basically never used. A shame really. Fuck has become so blasé it’s hardly got any impact unless you work for the FCC (or maybe that’s just me?). So, for the benefit of my vocabulary-deprived countrymen, I present what probably should have been the first or second entry on this site … 10 Ways to Use the Word Cunt: a lesson for Americans, or: How to use the worst swear word in America, and learn to love it.
- Traditional usage #1: Offensive slang for a woman’s genitalia. This is where it all starts. Not a very auspicious beginning, but hang in there …
ex. person looking at a porn magazine: “Ooh, how original! A cunt shot in the centerfold.”
- Traditional usage #2: Offensive slang for a woman one dislikes. Often because she won’t “put out” or because she’s broken up with you. This is the default secondary meaning of any offensive slang term for women’s genitalia, no? (Comparatively inoffensive slang like “pussy”, on the other hand, is generally reserved for insulting men by implying they’re unmanly.)
ex. Man 1: “And now the bitch won’t even return my fucking phone calls!” Man 2: “What a cunt.”
- A particularly grievous goody-two-shoes.
ex. Coworker 1: “So, did you bring the rotten egg to hide in Miller’s office?” Coworker 2: “No point … Thompson warned him. Miller’s keeping his office locked now.” Coworker 1: “What a little cunt!”
- Someone who acts insufferably superior, especially for an absurd or contemptible reason.
ex. Tom Cruise.
- Something particularly naughty to say if you and your partner enjoy ‘dirty talk’ in the bedroom.
ex. “Oh god yes …
abortion advertisingAmerica childrenchristianity Congressconsumerism corporations cuntcunts Democrats drugselection evil food fraud gayhistory homophobia hypocrisyinternet ITMFA liberals machomorality music offensiveOtW peoplepolitics profanityracism ramble Republicanssex sexist society sodomySotW stupid taboo thingstop 10 UK vocabulary
- 10 Things Every Adult Should Know
- It’s Loo-og, It’s Loo-og … and it’s available at Pottery Barn
- The Ultimate Civil Libertarian … or, keep your laws out of my bedroom, off my body, and away from my pipe!
- Fuck the “Superdelegates”, or: Why your vote doesn’t count.
- 10 True Facts about Chris McCandless, or Alaska scores another point for natural selection
- Huckabee?! You’ve got to be fucking kidding!
- Political Compass: Where do you stand?
- 2656 days ago … Welcome stumblers, to my humble home on the web. Stop and stay a while, if you like … I’m not a bad host, for a raving bitch.
- 2656 days ago … New Blog Post: 10 True Facts about Chris McCandless: Into the Wild … to starve http://tinyurl.com/ywz5u3
- 2657 days ago … Let’s try that URL again, shall we? http://tinyurl.com/29gatn
- 2657 days ago … New Blog Post: The Ultimate Civil Libertarian … or keep your laws out of my bedroom, off my body, and away from my pipe! http://tinyur …
- 2660 days ago … New Blog Post: The Top 10 Things America Enjoys (SOTW) http://tinyurl.com/2rmjzy
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