f*cking c*nts

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This month, our Profanity of the Month has a twist: It's a whole family of profanities, rather than a single word or phrase. For the lovely month of May, we do tribute to the [fill-in-the-blank]-face profanities.

For years, I really only ever used "fuckface" myself, but since my sister has moved in with me, she's introduced me to a whole new world of [blank]-face joy and wonder. Here's a quick sample list of [blank]-face profanity for you to enjoy:

• Whore-face
• Bitch-face
• Cunt-face
• Skank-face
• Cock-face
• Slut-face
• Douche-face (for the younger crowd)
• and of course, who could forget the classic: Fuck-face

The key, as you've no doubt figured out by now, is to take a single-word, standalone insult, and simply append the word "face". The meanings are as nuanced and varied as the available prefixes!

I think the [blank]-face usage lends a personal and attention-getting touch to what have largely become "overused to the point of meaningless" insults. Anyone can throw the word "bitch" around, but pop out with "bitch-face" and you're going to catch someone's attention for sure.

I know the first time lil' sis called me "whore-face," I sat up, looked at her in delighted disbelief, and said, "What did you just call me?!" (Nowadays, having grown used to it, I simply retort with, "rejected afterbirth of a gutter-fucked whore." As with all things, the [blank]-face profanities work best in moderation.)

As always, use them in good health and good cheer!

So yeah, if I'd been paying attention, I would have renewed my passport last summer. As of August 2007, all US passports have RFID chips embedded in them. For those of you not in the know, RFID tags are how libraries know when you walk out with an un-checked out book, how pet ID chips work, and how strangers with RFID readers can detect your passport without you knowing it.

Now, it would be easy enough to redesign the "e-passports" (am I the only one sick to fucking death of everything high tech being called "e-something"?!) with more RF shielding, so they could only be read when the passport was fully open, but that's not what the government did. Instead we have passports that can be detected from several feet away, if the passport is open a fraction of an inch (as it quite likely will be, if you're carrying it in your jacket pocket or purse).

So then someone can copy the chip data, store it elsewhere, and decrypt it at their leisure …

Or your passport could simply be cloned …

Or when the decryption process becomes commonplace (US passports are valid for ten years, go ahead and tell me it won't), terrorists could use the data to remotely trigger explosives (video at the end of this post) …

Or, because, "The United States has outsourced the manufacturing of its electronic passports to overseas companies — including one in Thailand that was victimized by Chinese espionage," blank US passports could be counterfeited or stolen, and used by whoever wants to pass into the US for whatever reason (The Washington Times) …

What the fuck is this?! First of all, the RFID chip is completely fucking pointless for the purposes the government says they were introduced for. The chip doesn't store any additional identifying data that isn't already shown on the information page, and the encryption system requires the passport to be optically scanned before the information is transmitted in a readable format. So, basically, they still have to take your passport, open it, and run it through the optical scanner … exactly like they did before.

No additional security is actually provided. It takes exactly the same amount of time to be scanned by immigration staff. The "biometric data" on the chip is just a fucking copy of your passport photo, and last I checked it was a lot more accurate to have a human compare your face to a photo than to try and use facial recognition software. Not one fucking iota of added security … but a whole hell of a lot of privacy risk. So what the fuck is the point? [continued ...]

Hillary Clinton is a short-sighted, selfish, ruthless cunt. Seriously. At this point in the race, she has proven her complete inability to close the gap on Obama's slim delegate lead, and while McCain runs around pumping himself up and looking like a good guy because he's got nobody to throw mud at for the moment, she's doing her damndest to keep the Democratic race in the trenches, so nobody comes out clean.

She may as well be fucking campaigning for McCain first-hand.

Really, I think she's gone fucking delusional. Not only is she behind in pledged delegates AND superdelegates while Obama closes the small remaining gap in superdelegates (as of May 11, Obama is leading in superdelegates), her own superdelegates are actually defecting to Obama; and she can't pull off a landslide primary victory to save her sorry fucking life. Add that to the fact that Obama's campaign is still raising money to beat all hell, while she's loaning her own campaign millions of her personal money to keep her broke ass in the race. Even if she succeeded in getting Michigan and Florida's delegates counted, it would still be down to the superdelegates to decide the nominee … and that's all given that she has huge connections with the party old guard, thanks to her hubby. With all her connections and years in the public eye, the simple fact is that Hillary can't do any better than chase the underdog's heels.

I think it's rather telling that the solid Hillary camp is primarily the older, blue-collar demographic. They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and as my sister pondered, while watching the Pennsylvania primary results come in, "blue-collar" is starting to sound a lot like a euphemism for "racist" (a theory agreed on by a long-time Pennsylvania resident watching the results with us). We're talking about the type of people her staffers thought might not appreciate a photo of Obama's Kenyan step-grandmother holding a chicken, or a photo of Obama obligingly trying on some traditional garb given to him by elders in a Kenyan village he visited years ago. If Hillary wasn't courting the Islamo-phobic and racist vote, why release either photo?

Ignorant fucks across the country are already flipping out about Obama's middle name, and how his last name sounds like Osama … and Hillary feels the need to fan the flames of reactionary bigotry, because she apparently can't win the race by campaigning on her own merits. The only difference between closet-racist Democrats and openly racist right-wingers is that the elder Dem contingent has too much white guilt to stick something like this on their cars:

Not only is Hillary perfectly happy to take advantage of humanity's lowest, xenophobic tendencies, for her own political gain, she's also perfectly happy to lie her pathetic ass off trying to give some weight to her claims of having more relevant "experience" for the job. How about that Bosnian sniper fire, Hillie-babe? What the fuck was that? I hate to break it to you, but even if you had been shot at in eastern Europe, that still wouldn't mean you had shit for foreign policy experience. As it is, not only do you still have shit for foreign policy experience, but you've shown when it looks like you might not get your way, you're as brazenly dishonest and willing to throw principle to the wind as BushCo has been. You didn't fucking "remember it differently" Hillary, you're a lying cunt. [continued ...]

Yessiree … moving servers always takes a fuck lot longer than I ever expect it to. And I've only moved one site. ARGH.

But here we are! If you're reading this message, my nameservers have updated, and we're finally live in our new home at MediaTemple web hosting. Hopefully, my email is working OK on the new servers too … hehe.

So, yes indeed. So far, the only disaster has been the complete loss of old comment subscription settings … so if you were signed up to receive email notification of new comments on certain posts, I'm hoping to figure out how to fix it all, but if you remember which posts you were subscribed to, you can resubscribe in the meantime. Or, subscribe to our RSS comments feed, and keep track of ALL the new comments on the site while I'm trying to restore the old settings. GOOD NEWS! The comment subscriptions are restored! I bow to the gods of mySQL.

All in all though, it was a less disastrous move than I'd feared. So, stay tuned for new entertaining posts … coming soon!

A friend emailed me this little gem from Caustic Observations … on why a shitload of people really shouldn't own pets. Don't know the author, but I give him a high-five for this one:

… I've had to turn down half a dozen people who were trying to give me their animals! What the fuck, does my house look like an animal shelter? Take care of your own animals, you bastards! If you have a dog, don't settle for moving into someplace that doesn't allow pets - tell them to fuck off, and keep looking! If you don't want to be overrun with kittens and puppies, either keep the fuckers inside when they're in heat, or get them fixed! It's like, 40 bucks. If you can't afford to spend 40 bucks at the Vets' office, you need to stick to the disposable pets, like gerbils and goldfish.

You cheap bastards! You people are the reason there are strays that have to be rounded up and put to sleep, innocent creatures robbed of a life they probably deserved more than you deserve yours, you irresponsible, ignorant mother fuckers.

Add to that list all the fuckwits who think because their little Scruffy is cute, and the neighbor's dog Bozo is cute too, they obviously need to breed them … and then try to sell them in the newspaper for $200 each, only to find that nobody in their right mind is going to pay $200 for a mutt, so they give the puppies away to dipshits who end up ditching them when they move into a "no pets" apartment. And the shitheads who think that because Princess is a "pure bred," and the neighbor's dog Rosco is a "pure bred," they need to breed them … and then try to sell them in the newspaper for $600, because they're "pure bred" what-the-fuck-evers, only to find that there isn't a huge demand for badly-bred, barely-pet-quality purebred anything.

Hell, I wouldn't stop at saying, "If you don't want to be overrun with kittens and puppies, either keep the fuckers inside when they're in heat, or get them fixed!" I'd say, unless you have a legitimately valuable bloodline, whether for conformation show, performance competition, or working purposes, fix your fucking pets NO MATTER WHAT, because the world doesn't fucking need another litter of puppies or kittens just because their parents' brain-dead owners thought they'd turn out cute. [continued ...]

To help keep everyone entertained while I drag out the site move for as long as humanly possible:

Red vs Blue explains why the internet should not be confused with real life:

… and Idiots of Ants makes one wonder why you'd ever join Facebook in the first place:

Blah. I procrastinated and procrastinated moving the site (partly because I actually have a few sites on the same host, and the more sites you have, the more hassle it is to move). I decided against pair.com, because although they are very reliable, they don't offer much by way of "extras" with their accounts, and getting everything set back up the way it is now would have been a huge added expense.

So, I put it off and put it off, and Dreamhost sent me an invoice for my next two years' hosting, and I put it off some more, and then I noticed a bunch of undelivered email notices turning up in my fckingcnts.com inbox. Upon further investigation, I found that the site's "notify of new comments on this post" service was overloading their "bulk mail" limits (100 emails per hour). Naturally, I'm pleased as punch that so many people actually give a damn about the comments around here … so I emailed Dreamhost to see if I could get an exception to the rule.

No dice.

Apparently, because it's not double-opt-in to sign up for our comment notification plugin, and there isn't a dated list of exactly who and when everyone signed up, I am now an email spammer, and I can either disable comment notifications altogether, or move on.

So, it's clearly time to move on.

Be warned, over the next couple days, I will indeed be moving everything, including this site, to MediaTemple grid-hosting. Why? They're cheaper than pair.com with better account features, and their grid-server set-up sounds like it will offer way better reliability and unexpected traffic handling than Dreamhost. All in all, sounded good to me.

If comments disappear during the move, or I don't respond to comments as quick as usual, or something gets weird for a couple of days, no worries, everything will be resolved in as timely a manner as I can reasonably manage.

See you on the other side!

I love this site. Sometimes they post some real stinkers, but generally it's just a good, twisted, surreal re-take on vintage clip art … with a little political streak, every so often.

Married to the Sea … always good stuff.

Intrepid reader David (from The Official Scorers sports commentary blog), kindly sent this link to a heartening story of parental responsibility:

Ryan Schallenberger, 18, was arrested Saturday after his parents called police when 10 pounds of ammonium nitrate, an oxidizing agent in explosives, was delivered to their home in Chesterfield, near the North Carolina border …

That's right, in direct contrast to the "where were the fucking parents" situation in Florida recently, these folks were exactly where they should have been: At home, wondering why in the fuck their teenage kid was ordering large quantities of ammonium nitrate.

When the shit was about to hit the fan, the parents did what they were supposed to do. They shut off the fan, and grabbed a shovel. In this case, by turning their fucked-up kid in to the cops. Not only did they catch him before he hurt anyone, but they even paid enough attention to notice the kid was having some "issues" beforehand. They tried to get Ryan into a mental health clinic for an evaluation, after he smashed his head into the wall a few days before his arrest. Wild, huh? It's like they were actually paying attention to their child's behavior! (Nevermind the fact that the clinic "offered no help" when they called … the sorry state of our mental health system is a rant for another day.)

Granted, the kid had been keeping his fucked-up strategic journal for over a year, and it sure seems like some earlier signs of anti-social tendencies might have manifested themselves sooner … but who's to say? I was an anti-social little freak in high school, and I certainly never made any plans to kill, maim, shoot or bomb anyone or anything. Hell, sullen anti-social behavior is about as rare among teenagers as high blood pressure is among corporate executives … and nobody has been interviewed thus far who has anything bad to say about Ryan's behavior in school.

But really, the key points I see here are: Ryan's parents didn't stick their heads in the sand, and say, "Oh, maybe it's for a science class project, our straight-A angel student would never do anything BAD." I didn't see any quotes from them wondering why their little darling was in trouble. They didn't say he was a, "well-adjusted, level-headed, stable, loving boy," after finding his journal, full of detailed plans for planting explosives all over the school, blowing everything the fuck up, killing himself, and leaving a pre-recorded audiotape behind to explain everything. Nope, they sucked it up, realized their kid was seriously screwed up and dangerous, and called the police to turn him in.

The parents of those six vicious little cunts in Florida, and their fuckwit male henchmen, could stand to learn something from this family.

Simply fucking brilliant: A video reenactment of US military conflicts from WWII to the present … with food:

A million thanks to my little sister for sending me a link to Tourist Pictures' Food Fight. (Keep a lookout for the falafel. I almost cried I was laughing so hard.)