f*cking c*nts

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the top 10 things america enjoys (sotw)

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This week was a good one for search phrases … I am apparently only a proper blog entry away from becoming one of the world’s authorities on “dolphins molesting humans”. Also I somehow solicit more highbrow inquiries such as the “top 10 most enlightened people” and “ways to become more cultured” … which are, perhaps, out of the intended scope of this little site. “Every swear word in the world” is an awfully tempting challenge, but I think it requires more involvement than a Search of the Week can really accommodate. So, I’m going with the “how the hell did that phrase lead someone here” option: The Top 10 Things That America Enjoys

As I am an American, I figure I’m an expert on the subject, no? So, here you have a list of gross stereotypes about Americans, that nonetheless hold true for a depressingly large portion of the populace:

  1. Very exclusive sports … You know, the kind that no other nation on earth plays, like baseball, basketball and American football. We don’t like subtle sports, like what everyone else calls “football”. We don’t like sports where a “World Series” might involve actually losing one of our sports to someone from another country … which leads me to our next item:
  2. Xenophobia … We like not liking other people. Especially if they are brown. We like to call Europeans “Communists” because they have nationalized healthcare and functional social service systems. We like to call Muslims “Towelheads” because they have a strange religion and want to kill us all. If we throw a war and nobody else comes, it doesn’t mean it may be a bad idea, it means everyone else on earth is wrong!
  3. Dysfunction … Everyone is dysfunctional. We like to give them all labels, and then figure out some way to medicate them into submission. Are you depressed? Do you suffer from social anxiety? Do your children argue or knock over breakable furnishings? Have trouble getting an erection? Does your woman not want sex often enough? We have pills that can help with that.
  4. Crap food … Half of every American supermarket is devoted to food products that involve no more preparation than boiling, heating in the oven, or microwaving. We invented McDonalds burgers. When we travel abroad, we eat American fast food. If we order food in a real foreign restaurant, we complain loudly about the strange things on the menu. We will eat mass produced hot dogs, but not haggis.
  5. SexismPakistan has elected a female head of state; the United States has not. I think that pretty much sums things up.

[cont …]

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on the web: thefword.org.uk on cunt

An entirely more sensibly reasoned and sober analysis of the “cunt” issue than you’ll ever find here:
the f-word – Taboo for Who?

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routine infant mutilation: how fucking barbaric can you get?

See now, when you read that headline, you agreed instantly, didn’t you? “Infant mutilation?! Good gracious,nobody could get behind that!” Yeah, nobody except for the parents of 70% of the men in the United States … quite possibly including you, dear reader. Yes, YOU. I personally know the list includes my mother and the mother of almost every man I’ve been to bed with … Ritual infant genital mutilation, friends. Circumcision. Unnecessary removal of an infant boy’s foreskin. That’s what I’m talking about. Not the universally-decried-by-every-decent-white-person-on-earth female version of the procedure. No siree. If you are an American parent of a son, you are more than likely in the group that had your son’s cock cut to ribbons at birth.

Aren’t you? Yup. Go on. Admit it parents … you did, didn’t you? Thoughtless fucking sheep that you are.

Why? Because it’s “cleaner” that way? Sorry, but unless your son was born so fucking retarded he’d never be able to bathe himself, that’s a bullshit excuse. Do you really think that thousands of years of human history were plagued by the constant risk of young men dying of penile gangrene? No, see, the problem here is that fucking Americans are so goddamn uptight and squeamish, and terrified of anything vaguely suggestive of any kind of sexual anything … I’d bet at least half of American parents would be afraid to wash their own baby’s genitals properly, and the poor kids would end up being given emergency circumcisions as toddlers due to massive neglect-induced infections.

But hey, if your kid can survive to adolescence with his dick intact, I’m sure the companies that bring us such clever products as Massengil douche, FDS “feminine deodorant spray” and various anti-bacterial “intimate cleansing wipes” would be thrilled to have a whole new market for their unnecessary germ-o-phobic bullshit “personal hygiene” products. I was not even going try to imagine what they might come up with, but nonetheless, images pop into my head unbidden: Massengil bottles in powder blue packaging, with innovative attachments at the end of their irrigation nozzles … they’d see to it that your baby boy could keep his cock nice and clean without ever having to actually touch himself, I’m quite certain. [cont …]

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impeach the motherfuckers already! or, why nancy pelosi is a fucking cunt


click for script … [cont …]

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on the web: you can’t say c-nt in canada

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the advertising industry … the biggest cunts of them all?

Here I am, sitting at the local bar … and over there on the wall is a large embossed metal advertising sign for Mickey’s beer. Or, rather, “Mickey’s Fine Malt Liquor”. And when I looked at it, I knew. I was no longer at a loss for a rant for today. In fact, I was so inspired I had to get my computer out of my truck and get to writing before the moment passed. Because the advertising industry are absolute, unrepentant, morally bankrupt, utter fucking cunts … there is NO SUCH FUCKING THING as “fine” malt liquor.

[For those of you unfamiliar with the finer points of the North American brewing industry, allow me to offer an analogy: There is fine wine. There is OK wine. There is cheap overly-strong wine in screw-top gallon jugs. Malt liquor is the gallon jug wine of the beer universe. If the phrase “Malt Liquor” is prefaced with the word “Fine,” it only means it is flavorless enough that it might not make you gag.]

Hanging next to me on the wall right now is a mirrored promotional sign for Miller High Life. Perhaps a step above malt liquor? But I’d argue no … it is equally as vile tasting, but it won’t get you drunk nearly as quickly. If you’re drinking something nasty, you’re almost certainly drinking to get drunk, so let’s just admit that efficiency is an asset in the beverage in question, shall we? Now, this sign asserts that Miller High Life is “The Champagne of Beers.” If, by “champagne” you mean “pale fizzy liquid,” then I’ll go with that. But, for fuck’s sake, every time an American advertising hack uses anything French as a descriptive, they are trying to make the product sound fine and cultured.

Really, never mind the whole “Freedom Fries” debacle, or the half-assed boycott of French cheese and wine in the early days of America’s current worldwide military humiliation campaign … the advertising industry knows the truth: “French” means “quality and class” to Americans, and that is why we hate them. If we can make shit beer and tell ourselves it’s as good as champagne, then we’ve got one over on them, haven’t we? We don’t need their stinking champagne! We have Miller High Life and sparkling wine in screw-top bottles! [cont …]

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it’s a sin … and that’s why we like it

For everything I long to do / no matter when or where or who / has one thing in common, too:
It’s a, it’s a, it’s a … it’s a sin. It’s a sin. ~ Pet Shop Boys, It’s a Sin

Sin is rubbish. Utter fucking rubbish. I am somehow expected to believe that there is some omnipotent being in the sky who, even though “He” is responsible for all of creation, mostly spends his time being a peeping tom. I mean sure, He is also supposedly concerned with whether humans actually do bad things, like stealing and killing each other, but when you consider the amount of time humans spend having sex (with themselves or others) compared to the amount of time they spend actually going around committing violent antisocial crimes, God must essentially be a career pervert who plays policeman in his spare time.

God: “Did she just stick that dildo up her ass?! Oh my Self … onanism and sodomy in one go … and now she’s taking My name in vain …” [shifts in His seat] “… that’s actually rather hot.”

[angels start twittering]

God: [coughs—straightens Self up] “TO HELL WITH HER! Fucking humans … always sodamnably embarrassing …”

… that’s your Great and Powerful Oz, who I am supposed to bow down to and live in fear of? Really now? How in the fuck am I supposed to take Him seriously as any kind of respectable moral authority when he’s equally as concerned with my sex life as he is with whether or not I torture and kill small children? And not only is this God a fucking nosy little pervert, he’s SO susceptible to flattery that no matter how horrible your sins, all you have to do is say you’re sorry and bow down to His “son”, and you’re forgiven?! Fucking hell! What a racket! [cont …]

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top 10 ways to recognize a homosexual (sotw)

And thus we introduce a new feature here at f*cking c*nts: the Search Of The Week (SOTW) … inspiration struck while I was marveling over my nascent collection of referring search phrases*. In amongst perfectly sensible things like “worst swear word in america” and “synonym+cunt” was “top 10 ways to recognize a homosexual” … *blink* … for fuck’s sake.

My first impulse was to write an entry entitled something like “fucking ignorant homophobic cunts … piss off”, but then I remembered: the customer is always right. So as there seems to be a need for such reference material, I hereby present our first Search Of The Week: Top 10 Ways to Recognize a Homosexual. For the purposes of this list, I am assuming the searcher in question was interested in identifying male homosexuals, as nobody seems terribly worried about identifying and/or avoiding contact with lesbians … so, if it was you who were so terribly concerned with determining which of the men around you may or may not be gay, read on and be enlightened.

(And yes, I know I said I was going to write about dolphin sex, but public duty calls! Dolphin sex will just have to wait.)

  1. Loiter across the street from the entrance to a known gay bar every night for two consecutive weeks. Men you see entering and leaving the establishment on an almost daily basis are most likely homosexual. (Men who only hang ’round there one or two nights a week might just enjoy dancing to good techno music. Women who frequent the establishment might just enjoy not being picked up on in bars.)
  2. If you’re still not sure, you can follow the gentleman you’re curious about into the gay bar, and see if he seems to be picking up on other men, or making out with them in the bathroom. If so, he is quite likely gay.
  3. Follow your targeted individual home, and try to peer in through his bedroom window. If he gets into bed with another man, or masturbates while looking at nude photos of other men, he is almost certainly a homosexual.

[cont …]

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sex with dolphins & synchronicity

So, yes, today in my quest for new and interesting things to share with the wide world of the social bookmarking services, I clicked an old bookmark for an article on a university website about a person’s experience with a pair of dolphins kept at the Kewalo Basin research facility in Hawaii. (Where is this going, you wonder … get to the part about the sex, already!) Well, tragically, the page seems to be gone. I even checked archive.org, and while they’d dutifully archived the introductory page of the piece, the longer page with all the good bits about captive dolphin masturbation habits, and tales of female dolphins molesting humans in their pool … no archive. Sorry.

So, I went on about my day, listening to The Jeff Show on Virgin Radio, thanking heavens that the UK’s watershed hour on broadcast media happens halfway through my workday, making radio listening much more interesting (and why the fuck can’t the FCC let us hear/see naughty things late at night on US broadcast media?!), when next thing I know, there’s Jeff talking about swimming with dolphins … and how dolphins molest humans (among other cruel tricks, like slapping people and holding them under water). If only I could find a cached version of that page somewhere, I’d send it along to them.

I have not given up though … there MUST be a copy of that page SOMEWHERE on the interwebs.

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10 ways to use the word cunt: a lesson for americans

Americans (meaning United Statesians … yes, I know “America” consists of two entire continents, fuckoff thank you) are in the unfortunate position of only really knowing two ways to use the word cunt. Both are considered so shockingly offensive, it’s basically never used. A shame really. Fuck has become so blasé it’s hardly got any impact unless you work for the FCC (or maybe that’s just me?). So, for the benefit of my vocabulary-deprived countrymen, I present what probably should have been the first or second entry on this site … 10 Ways to Use the Word Cunt: a lesson for Americans, or: How to use the worst swear word in America, and learn to love it.

  1. Traditional usage #1: Offensive slang for a woman’s genitalia. This is where it all starts. Not a very auspicious beginning, but hang in there …
    ex. person looking at a porn magazine: “Ooh, how original! A cunt shot in the centerfold.”
  2. Traditional usage #2: Offensive slang for a woman one dislikes. Often because she won’t “put out” or because she’s broken up with you. This is the default secondary meaning of any offensive slang term for women’s genitalia, no? (Comparatively inoffensive slang like “pussy”, on the other hand, is generally reserved for insulting men by implying they’re unmanly.)
    ex. Man 1: “And now the bitch won’t even return my fucking phone calls!” Man 2: “What a cunt.”
  3. A particularly grievous goody-two-shoes.
    ex. Coworker 1: “So, did you bring the rotten egg to hide in Miller’s office?” Coworker 2: “No point … Thompson warned him. Miller’s keeping his office locked now.” Coworker 1: “What a little cunt!”
  4. Someone who acts insufferably superior, especially for an absurd or contemptible reason.
    ex. Tom Cruise.
  5. Something particularly naughty to say if you and your partner enjoy ‘dirty talk’ in the bedroom.
    ex. “Oh god yes …

[cont …]

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f*cking c*nts

t-shirt hell: funny shit for you to wear

on the web: uses of the word fuck (oh! there are many!)

Feel free to stalk our every post with the f*cking c*nts RSS feed, subscribe to f-ckingc-nts.com by email, or follow our new posts and random comments on Twitter. Go on. You know you want to! All the cool kids are doing it …

From justin.justnet.com.au:

Uses of the word Fuck
FUCK is an international word. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say “Fuck Off”.
It’s the atmosphere it creates, that’s why you will never read something like:
“Fuck off”, he hinted.
Grammatical Usage
In language, “fuck” falls into many grammatical categories, making it one of the most versatile words in the English language.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Jane) and intransitive (John and Jane fucked). It can be an active verb (John fucked Jane) or a passive verb (Jane was fucked by John). Or an adverb (Jane is a fucking bastard) and a noun (Jane is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Jane is fucking beautiful).

Justin (presumably that’s his name) then goes on to list a very comprehensive reference of examples for using the word “fuck” in a wider variety of situations than you probably thought possible. Very nice.

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my hate mail kinda sucks, or: why ron paul is fucked in ’08

Received this email in response to my post 5 Reasons Ron Paul is an Utterly Mad Cunt:

Has it ever entered your feeble mind that you might be the fokin
Idiot? No, I didn’t think so.
I’m sure you’re missed in some small village, please let someone direct
you there.

See, when I started this site, I was aiming for hate mail. I was hoping for hate mail. But so far, except for the people who actually had the balls to comment directly on the posts, this is all I’ve gotten for negative feedback. And I must say, with a couple of exceptions, the quality level on the negative comments wasn’t much better than this email.

If the comments and this email are any indication of the average intellectual level of a Ron Paul supporter, I think that says more about the intelligence of his political positions than my lowbrow profanity-laced raving ever could. Really, if you’ve read my site, you at least ought to be able to figure out how to spell “fucking” by the time you’re done, no?

But then, I’m “the fokin Idiot” after all, so what do I know?

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on the web: parental advisory

Parental Advisory: I say Fuck, a LOT

Found at moonbuggy.org

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10 signs you’re a drunk-ass cunt who needs to quit the boozing

All this political hoo-hah is fun and all, but I think it’s time to lighten things up around here. Nevermind the fact that I am either a liberal wacko or a fascist who wants to steal your tax money at gunpoint … I already knew that. Let us now turn our attention to matters that transcend party politics: BOOZE!

Y’know, I like drinking. Really I do. Even to excess on occasion. (OK, regularly.) But I’ve never been 86’d from anywhere and I’ve only been refused service in a bar once (years ago). People don’t roll their eyes and say, “Oh lord, here we go again,” when I pick up a beer. The party does not quietly sneak over to the other side of the bonfire, hoping I won’t notice I’m talking to myself. So, while my liver may not love me all that much, I think I’m pretty well qualified to play high and mighty on the following assertions … here are 10 no-shit signs that you really ought to quit drinking, but are probably too much of a brain-damaged alcoholic dumbass to notice.

  1. Your room is trashed, you’ve been 86’d from the hotel, but you don’t remember what happened.You did not leave the door open when you checked out, allowing some anonymous prankster to go in there to kick the legs off the hotel room desk. Yes, drunk-ass, YOU trashed your own fucking room. When the hotel calls and tells you you’re no longer welcome there, do not try and blame someone else. Lay off the booze and quit pissing on the carpets, fuckwit. Didn’t your mother housebreak you as a child?
  2. You drink so much you can’t walk, and then pop pills to keep yourself awake. No, morphine does NOT sober your junkie-ass up after you finish your second pint of whiskey for the morning. Neither does meth. Nothing does. All you’re doing is destroying your liver at an exponentially faster rate than by drinking alone, and you’re pissing everyone else off, because all the non-junkies just really want you to shut the fuck up, go home, and let them pass out in peace.
  3. You drive drunk so often, you’ve forgotten how to drive sober. Everyone in the neighborhood has had to help pull your car out of the ditch at least once. You can’t own a vehicle for six months without driving it into a tree or someone else’s house. You’re going to kill someone sooner or later, and we all not-so-secretly hope it’s only yourself.
  4. After a few drinks, everyone suddenly starts yelling at you. And they’re not yelling anything fun, like “Toga! Toga!” or “YeeeHAW!”. They’re yelling “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Or maybe, “Knock it off, and sit the fuck down!” By the end of a party, someone has inevitably punched you (or worse). Guess what? It’s not just because everyone always picks on you. If you can’t behave like a decent human being when you’re drinking, put the booze down and go to bed, jackass.
  5. You can’t open the cupboard where you keep the trash can, because you’ll start a beer can avalanche. And you’re too fucking drunk most of the time to notice your kitchen smells like cheap, stale malt liquor. But if you live somewhere with a can return deposit, at least your family can go grocery shopping with the change from returning your rotting pile of beer cans every couple of weeks.

[cont …]

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5 reasons ron paul is an utterly mad cunt

So, I’ve had a few people, both friends and site visitors, ask me what I think of Ron Paul, Republican candidate for president and Texas congressman. Up until I looked into it a little, I simply thought he was so far off the “viable candidate” radar screen, I didn’t really care … but prompted by the repeated queries, I did a little research. And I can now safely say I think he’s an utterly mad cunt, and would be downright dangerous if he had a chance in hell of winning the Presidency.

Why? Well, naturally I’m more than happy to tell you. Here are 5 reasons Ron Paul is a fucking total nutjob, with a very tenuous grasp on reality:

  1. He opposes NAFTA, because it is “managed” trade, not actual “free” trade. First off, NAFTA was shit to begin with, and not because it didn’t go far enough. The only way I can imagine anyone supporting completely unregulated trade is if they a) never lived in a town where the entire economy depended on a corporate manufacturing facility that shut down and moved overseas in search of easier profits, and had either b) never heard of the gross human rights abuses that go on in third world nations at the hands of those same corporations, or c) were psychopathic enough not to give a shit.So ACME Manufacturing shuts down their factory in Middleville, America, costing hundreds of families their primary source of income. They then open a plant in Mexico, or China or Southeast Asia where they employ women and children at pay rates an American dog couldn’t live on, for 12-16 hour shifts with nothing resembling health, safety or environmental standards in place, and then turn around and sell their fucking overpriced crap back to us at the same price as before … and he thinks that’s a good thing?! What a godawful selfish, soulless fuck.
  2. He supports withdrawing from both NATO and the UN. I hate to break it to you folks, but there are more important issues in the world today than preserving our national birthright to fuck over anyone, anywhere, anyhow we choose. The world is a pretty fucking politically complicated place, and the making (and following) of treaties is a reasonably good way of establishing a starting point to deal with it. I think humanity has done a pretty bang-up job throughout history of proving we fucking well can NOT play nice on an international level, without making damn sure we’re all signing the same contracts and watching each other’s backs for violations … but somehow, taking the US’s current reputation as a self-centered renegade nation a step further by thumbing our noses at the very organizations we helped found to prevent that sort of crap is supposed to be an improvement.Perhaps his only saving grace on this point is that he also supports non-interventionist foreign policy. Which would be necessary if we pulled out of NATO and the UN … because damn fucking sure nobody else would have our backs then.

[cont …]

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libertarians: sad, psychopathic pollyannas

My “Ultimate Civil Libertarian” piece seems to have caused a bit of confusion with some readers, so I thought it might be nice to clarify a few things for folks. I’m not a member of the Libertarian party. Never have been. Never will be. Oh sure, I went through my Ayn Rand worshiping phase in college … had a first edition copy of Atlas Shrugged, read her essays on rational selfishness, but somehow I could never quite finish drinking the Kool-aid.

I completely believe in personal civil liberties. Hence the phrase “civil libertarian”. I think the reach of the government should, for the most part, stop at my doorstep. Those control freak fucks in Washington shouldn’t have any say whatsoever over what I do with my own body, or what I and other consenting adults do in my home. However, that’s where it ends.

I could never support the Libertarian party, because I think corporations are creeping toxic slime mold out to absorb every worthwhile thing in their paths, and should be kept on a shorter leash than fucking rabid attack dogs. Whoever thought up the brilliant idea that a corporation should have “rights” as though it were an individual citizen should have been taken out and shot.

I mean, really. What are you fucking thinking, people?! Sure, yeah, the citizenry is going to be well-informed and vote with their dollars, and keep the big bad corporate wolves under control that way. What a lovely idea. And it might have half a chance in hell of working if those same fucking soulless monsters didn’t own the fucking US media in the first place. But that would require something like … oh, I don’t know, stronger regulatory barriers to media consolidation?

Oh, and there’s the slight issue of the dismal educational standards in this country as well. I’m wondering exactly where this “well informed” public, with the power to rein in these multi-billion-dollar bloodless juggernauts, is going to come from? Do Libertarians support well-funded public education systems, with comprehensive media-analysis programs? Because I’m pretty sure they don’t support government regulations against deceptive advertising.

And sure, you can say that it’s not YOUR problem if your ignorant neighbor bankrupts themselves by wholeheartedly buying every ridiculous pitch the advertising industry throws their way. It’s not YOUR problem if their children get diabetes at the age of 12, because their parents don’t have the sense to stop feeding them mountains of fast food and processed junk. You can be as smug, selfish and fucking heartless as you like, I suppose. Except you’d be dead wrong. [cont …]

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10 true facts about chris mccandless, or alaska scores another point for natural selection

So, Into the Wild is in theaters. Another round of absurd romanticism about dumbasses who come up to Alaska and die in the wilderness is gripping the nation … or at least the denizens of it who secretly long to out-Walden Thoreau, whilst simultaneously out-macho-ing Grizzly Adams. Come to Alaska! Die a gruesome death! Live the dream!

It came to my attention while listening to public radio this morning that Sean Penn, in the tradition of all movie makers adapting real life to the big screen, seriously fucked some shit up in his dramatization of Mr. McCandless’s utterly moronic death. So, here are 10 true facts about Christopher McCandless, and how not to die in Alaska during the summer (“true facts” as opposed to Hollywood facts and romantic rumors, you see …):

  1. He did not burn (or give away) all his money and throw away his ID and walk off into the woods to meet his mysterious and slightly romantic and spiritual fate. While he did give away his trust fund (which I’d basically respect him for if he wasn’t otherwise such an obviously worthless twat), he had a wallet with $300 in cash and his ID in a hidden zipped pocket of his backpack. This indicates that he did in fact plan to rejoin civilization, presumably while still alive.
  2. He had a map with him. This map showed the Denali park road about 10 miles away from the bus where he stayed. It wouldn’t have been an easy hike, but it was certainly doable … especially considering it’s over 20 miles to get to the bus by the route he originally took. [Edit: This point is in question … I have now come across one source saying he didn’t have a map, and a mention elsewhere that he did. However, at the moment, I can’t find the source saying he did have a map anymore. So, it may be that he was too incompetent to read a map, and it may be that he was stupid enough not to bring one. That certainly doesn’t settle anything one way or another, but I did say “true facts” here, so I’m obligated to say I’m no longer sure on this point. However, his wallet was hidden, so maybe his map was as well?!][Added: I have since been given a link to a site with a photo of the Alaska Coroner’s list of belongings returned to McCandless’ family following his autopsy. On the list is “Road Map”. See a copy of the photo below this entry, and a link to the documentary filmmaker’s site where it is shown.]
  3. He poached a moose and let the whole thing rot. This means he was fucking stupid enough to hike off into the middle of fucking nowhere, thinking he would hunt to survive, without any fucking idea how to preserve meat.
  4. The bus is not actually sitting at the foot of breathtakingly beautiful mountains. The movie was filmed in Cantwell, well south of the true location of his death. The actual spot he died was a much less glamorous boggy Alaskan swamp … swarmed with mosquitos, with all the lovely mountains off on a distant horizon. But Hollywood couldn’t let Alaska look drab, could they now?
  5. The river he crossed to get to the bus in the first place has a good seasonal run of grayling (fish). You can quite easily build a contraption that would basically allow you to scoop fish straight out of the fucking river. Or hey, you could even bring a fishing pole with you! [Added: See Alaska coroner’s belonging list below. He did have a fishing pole. Even more baffling.]

[cont …]

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the ultimate civil libertarian … or, keep your laws out of my bedroom, off my body, and away from my pipe!

That’s me. I am the ultimate civil libertarian … a small sampling of my cherished beliefs regarding personal freedom.

  1. Legalize gay marriage … not only should homosexuals have the same rights to make themselves miserable as straight people have, but even if the Christians are right, and gays are all going to hell, THAT’S THEIR RIGHT TOO! Fucking hell, according to the fucking BIBLE, God gave us free will, no? We all have the right to choose whether or not to sin in our lives, no? If ANYTHING is a God-given right, it fucking well IS the right to SIN in any way we fucking choose! It says so in YOUR fucking holy book,you hypocritical moralizing cunts! Now get your fucking nosy asses out of my fucking bedroom!I think the ONLY sensible way for a government to deal with the issue of marriage is to wash its hands of it completely. Allow legal adults to write up and certify whatever legal contracts they like between one another, including civil partnerships. Settle inheritance, adoption and taxation issues that way. And then, if you want to get married in “the eyes of God” or who/what the fuck ever you think gives a shit about your personal life, settle the matter with your church.And while you’re at it, get rid of ANY AND ALL laws regarding any kind of consensual sexual activity. All of them. Because it’s none of my fucking business what you do in your bedroom, it’s none of your fucking business what I do in mine, and it’s certainly none of the government’s business either way.
  2. Legalize drugs. Seriously. Victimless crimes should not be crimes. If you can sell alcohol to an adult, you should also be able to sell them marijuana, cocaine, heroin or whatever the fuck else they want to pump into their bodies. The US government’s “War” on drugs (I do not know how you wage war against inanimate substances, but there you go) wastes over 20 BILLION dollars a YEAR “fighting” drug use. The individual states spend even more than that, combined. Then consider the cost of the trials and imprisonment of everyone caught up in the drug war juggernaut as well.Just imagine for a moment what the United States could do by way of a national drug education and treatment program with that much money … and probably have plenty left over to do something radical like … oh, I don’t know … actually provide health care to the general population or something. Hell, we might even be able to swing free tuition at state colleges and universities as well!Of course, people will say that drug addiction breeds crime … which it does. But please re-read the preceding paragraphs. Treatment programs are more economical than legal punishment. Help people end addiction, and you reduce the “need” for crime. Legalize the sale and possession of drugs, and you take the industry out of the hands of street gangs. You end up with liquor stores that also dispense drugs from behind the counter in packets like cigarettes, perhaps. And a fucking health care system that is capable of handling the side effects. Think about it, people.

    “Oh, but I don’t want my tax money going to coddle icky drug addicts!” You fucking selfish moron! You’d rather spend ten fucking times as much to arrest and imprison them, just because it’s meaner?! What in the fuck is your problem?! You’ve obviously got a catastrophic mutation in your “common fucking sense and logic” gene, you judgmental, petty, malicious twat.

[cont …]

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the top 10 things america enjoys (sotw)

This week was a good one for search phrases … I am apparently only a proper blog entry away from becoming one of the world’s authorities on “dolphins molesting humans”. Also I somehow solicit more highbrow inquiries such as the “top 10 most enlightened people” and “ways to become more cultured” … which are, perhaps, out of the intended scope of this little site. “Every swear word in the world” is an awfully tempting challenge, but I think it requires more involvement than a Search of the Week can really accommodate. So, I’m going with the “how the hell did that phrase lead someone here” option: The Top 10 Things That America Enjoys

As I am an American, I figure I’m an expert on the subject, no? So, here you have a list of gross stereotypes about Americans, that nonetheless hold true for a depressingly large portion of the populace:

  1. Very exclusive sports … You know, the kind that no other nation on earth plays, like baseball, basketball and American football. We don’t like subtle sports, like what everyone else calls “football”. We don’t like sports where a “World Series” might involve actually losing one of our sports to someone from another country … which leads me to our next item:
  2. Xenophobia … We like not liking other people. Especially if they are brown. We like to call Europeans “Communists” because they have nationalized healthcare and functional social service systems. We like to call Muslims “Towelheads” because they have a strange religion and want to kill us all. If we throw a war and nobody else comes, it doesn’t mean it may be a bad idea, it means everyone else on earth is wrong!
  3. Dysfunction … Everyone is dysfunctional. We like to give them all labels, and then figure out some way to medicate them into submission. Are you depressed? Do you suffer from social anxiety? Do your children argue or knock over breakable furnishings? Have trouble getting an erection? Does your woman not want sex often enough? We have pills that can help with that.
  4. Crap food … Half of every American supermarket is devoted to food products that involve no more preparation than boiling, heating in the oven, or microwaving. We invented McDonalds burgers. When we travel abroad, we eat American fast food. If we order food in a real foreign restaurant, we complain loudly about the strange things on the menu. We will eat mass produced hot dogs, but not haggis.
  5. SexismPakistan has elected a female head of state; the United States has not. I think that pretty much sums things up.

[cont …]

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on the web: thefword.org.uk on cunt

An entirely more sensibly reasoned and sober analysis of the “cunt” issue than you’ll ever find here:
the f-word – Taboo for Who?

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t-shirt hell: funny shit for you to wear

political compass: where do you stand?

Feel free to stalk our every post with the f*cking c*nts RSS feed, subscribe to f-ckingc-nts.com by email, or follow our new posts and random comments on Twitter. Go on. You know you want to! All the cool kids are doing it …

Political Compass is one of my favorite sites … even more so, now that they offer example charts of various political election seasons around the world, including the current US presidential race.

So, I took the test yet again, to pinpoint my spot on the map (yellow), and merged my results with politicalcompass’ current political candidates chart (red & blue) and a few other political and historical figures charted on their site (white).

Here’s what I came up with:

political compass of the 2008 US presidential race

Take the Political Compass Test yourself, and see where you stand in comparison.

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on the web: more huckabee insanity … fucking crackpot.

Thanks to rawstory.com for publicizing this priceless quote from presidential candidate Mike Huckabee:

I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it’s a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that’s what we need to do — to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than try to change God’s standards so it lines up with some contemporary view.

Yeah, that whole “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or preventing the free exercise thereof,” bit. That would definitely have to go. Apparently, so would all the folks in the country who aren’t so keen on living in a theocracy.

Bring it on, Huckabee … you fucking brain-dead Jesus-freak cunt! Let’s see how the intelligent people in this country vote, if your backwater-bible-thumping-ignoramus ass ends up getting the Republican nomination. (Do you think the educated Republicans will purge the Jesus junkies out of their party if that happens, or just split off to form a halfway-sane non-denominational new political party?)

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on the web: stadtler and waldorf, uncensored!

Brilliant YouTube post, found by way of Do Not Read This:

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iphone … get the fuck over it, people.

No, I’m not talking to iPhone fans. I’m talking to all the people who are apparently suffering some kind of Apple-phobia or sour grapes or some bizarre form of electronic racism, or something.

There’s a clip up on YouTube, showing David Lynch saying that if you watch a movie on your phone, you’re not truly experiencing the movie … well, duh. I’m not going to slam on Mr. Lynch for stating the bleeding obvious. I am going to slam on people linking to (and commenting on) the video as though it somehow “proves” the iPhone is a worthless trinket.

If you, even for a fucking moment, thought that watching a movie on a screen that fits in the palm of your hand was going to be a mind-blowing theater-going experience, I shudder to hazard a guess at your general mental capacity. The people who own an iPhone (or an iPod Touch), who enjoy and appreciate their video capabilities for what they are (ultra-portable, wireless and convenient), have hardly been taken for a ride … because nobody with half a brain cell still kicking around in their heads is going to expect a freaking palm-top video player to deliver a full cinematic experience (and anyone who DID expect that DESERVES to be taken for at least $400).

“It’s not a good way to truly experience a movie” is not a valid critique of the iPhone as a product. So quit linking to it, commenting on it, and cheering mindlessly as though it was. Sorry. That’s like saying that espadrilles are a failure as shoes, because you can’t climb Mt. Everest whilst wearing them. That’s not what espadrilles were designed for, therefore that’s not what they’re good for. And if you found someone to take you up Everest in a pair of espadrilles, you deserve to lose your feet. However, if you want to stroll through a sunny street market, or hang out in generally balmy climates, they’d work quite nicely. And if you want to show a YouTube clip to a friend at lunch, or watch some video while sitting on the bus on your way to work, an iPhone seems like it’d fit the bill rather nicely. [cont …]

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search of the week: go to hell, you sick fucking bastards

No, the search of the week phrase was NOT actually “Go to hell, you sick fucking bastards”. It was “fucking little school kids cunts”, and “Go to hell, you sick fucking bastards” was just the first phrase that popped into my head in response. See, I knew, with the name of the site and all the profanity and everything, sure, I was going to get some “adult” search phrases. One of my top referring phrases is “cocks fucking cunts,” as a matter of fact. (Sorry to disappoint, guys!)

I have no problem with that. Porn is fine by me, and if I were a more aggressive or expert site promoter, I might even try to jump onto the whole online porn money wagon. BUT NOT SO I COULD SHOW UNDERAGE KIDS BEING MOLESTED, YOU SICK FUCKS!!!

So this little rant is dedicated to all the pedophiles who happen upon my site after typing in some utterly morally reprehensible search phrase (and no, this is not the first time I’ve seen obvious child porn searches in my referring phrases).

A few years ago I read this book about child molestation … pretty much the only one you’ll find that actually includes a lot of interviews with convicted molesters, including their explanations of why they molested children (can’t remember the title, maybe I blocked it from my scarred memory). So yeah, I understand that you’re emotionally crippled to the point that you can’t cope with real adult women appropriately. And maybe your wife is a castrating bitch. And maybe your mother coddled you excessively (or maybe she was a castrating bitch too). And maybe the creepy man next door touched your no-no place. And maybe you really are an emotional five year old, and you think somehow you’re relating to the children you molest (or watch being molested online) on an appropriate emotional level … BUT I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.

You are sick, and you are wrong. You need help. You may think you’re doing a good thing by looking at child porn instead of actually fucking those little school kids’ cunts yourself, but someone had to viciously abuse the kids in the pictures so you could whack off to them. THESE KIDS ARE BEING HURT. Get that through your sick, fucked-up head, would you? Whether or not the kid is physically injured, they’re being SERIOUSLY emotionally and psychologically fucked up by it. Adults are supposed to play with other adults, and kids are supposed to play with other kids. It’s that fucking simple. [cont …]

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new hampshire primary: thoroughly fucked.

Last time the US attempted to elect a president, we saved the poll discrepancy shenanigans for the final round of voting. But where would the fun be this time around if we didn’t try to outdo ourselves? The first state primary passed without any major trouble, except for the fact that Iowa’s Republicans voted in favor of the Second Coming. Then along comes New Hampshire.

Ron Paul has missing votes all over the place, and Hillary miraculously came back from a significant deficit in the pre-election polls, and defied the exit polling data (which suggested that independent voters leaned strongly towards the Democrats, and Obama in particular) to overtake Obama’s seemingly commanding lead. Even the Clinton camp’s own internal poll data predicted an 11% win for Obama.

WHAT IN THE FUCK?! I mean, SERIOUSLY people. We are not some shitty third world nation, who’s electoral process is in the pocket of some corrupt general who wants to guarantee his best buddy a win. Now I know a fuckload of people are sitting around thinking polls have a margin of error anyhow, so no big deal. But the margin of error of any reputable poll is 2-3% … not 10% or more. And the polls were oddly right on the money for all candidates’ results except Clinton/Obama. This is fucking pathetic.

(excellent coverage of the details over at BradBlog.com)

The question, of course, is what in the fuck actually happened?

First off, consider that approximately 80% of New Hampshire’s votes are counted by easily-hackable Diebold optical scan machines. There are paper ballots that could be re-counted, but only if a candidate requests a recount, and ponies up over $60,000 to pay for it. [cont …]

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search of the week: 10 ways to fuck up your kids

Yeah, so the “search of the week” thing hasn’t been so weekly after all. Some weeks, the top search phrases around here are just not that exciting. But this one, I couldn’t pass up. So today I bring you F*cking C*nts’ Top 10 Ways to Fuck Up Your Kids:

  1. Raise them in a strict, evangelical Christian household. They’ll loathe and fear gays (even if one of them is gay themselves)! They’ll be afraid to masturbate! They’ll be so sexually uptight, they’ll invent new perversions you’ve never even heard of! And if you’re really lucky, they might even grow up to bomb abortion clinics!
  2. Teach them to fear and mistrust foreigners and brown people. They’ll be well on their way to a lucrative job in the US State Department or law enforcement system, if they don’t become racist skinheads first.
  3. You know that creepy old man your kids mow the lawn for? Yeah, when he asks if they can have a slumber party, go ahead and say yes. A single older man couldn’t possibly have any ulterior motives for wanting young children to sleep at his house. Besides, he said please. You want your kids to learn good manners, don’t you?
  4. Hang a large photo of President Bush above the mantelpiece. Light candles nightly and pray to it. For good measure, hang a photo of Bill O’Reilly next to it … and leave sticky photos of Ann Coulter under your pillow.

[cont …]

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huckabee?! you’ve got to be fucking kidding!

Iowa Republicans voted for Mike Huckabee, thereby confirming my suspicion that Iowa is a fucked up, backwards-ass, ignorant, redneck sinkhole I have no intention of ever visiting, except in the event of an unavoidable flight layover (then again, I don’t think I’ve ever flown through any airports in Iowa, so I might even be safe there).

On the other hand, I could only hope that the Republican nomination went to Huckabee, because he’s at least as mentally challenged as Ron “Fucking Fruitloop” Paul, and both are more unelectable than Rudy “Lock up the Pot Smokers” Giuliani. Keep Rudy out of the big race, by all means, Mikey boy … be my guest.

His campaign slogan is “Faith. Family. Freedom.” For those of you not up on US political jargon, that is shorthand for, “I’m a creationist nutjob who hates gays and gets hard for the ‘war’ in Iraq.” Which is, in fact, the truth.

Here’s a little rundown of Huckabee’s most utterly ridiculous and/or offensive political positions:

  • He opposes abortion except to save the mother’s life … including cases of rape and incest. That’s right. If Daddy knocks you up in Huckabee-land, you’d better hope you develop a nasty case of toxemia, because you’re going to have to bear your inbred spawn to term unless the little bastard’s going to kill you.
  • He supports a constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman. He’s also against civil unions. Because gays are sinners. And somehow, what other people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms is incredibly threatening to him. And making sure gays don’t get hitched is at least as important as freedom of expression … err. Hmm. (The airport bathroom Senator thing has already been done, the gay prostitute Evangelist thing has already been done. Now I’m personally hoping for a truckstop bathroom Candidate scandal.)
  • He supports displaying the Ten Commandments in schools. Because, y’know, the founding fathers didn’t really mean that whole “separation of church and state” thing. And the Ten Commandments are at least as critical to the education of our children as making sure they know having two mommies is wrong.
  • He doesn’t believe in evolution. And while kids are busy in school learning the Ten Commandments, they should also be learning about creationism. Somehow, he’s decided that an omnipotent being going “abracadabra” is a more believable idea than a slow process of natural selection … and I think that suggests a slight lack in his logical thinking faculties.

[cont …]

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on the web: nintendo wii is a “load of cock”

When the mood takes you and you start prancing round the room lets say…bowling – have you considered perhaps leaving the room, going outside, and actually going bowling? For fucks sake. […]

“But we will get some exercise this way” I hear you say.

Really?

If you want some exercise go and run round a field, climb a mountain, or run a marathon. And throw the wii out the window on your way.

Fuck the Ninendo Wii. It’s a load of Cock. donotreadthis.co.uk

Indeed.

As much as I love computers and the good ol’ internet, I’m damned glad I grew up before computers and video games were must-have household fixtures. I mean seriously, people … what the fuck is wrong with parents (and society as a whole) when the answer to kids getting exercise is a fucking video game machine? How long will it be until someone comes out with a sensor-enhanced cat tree for the Wii, so kids can pretend to climb trees in the comfort of their own living rooms?! For fuck’s sake indeed. [cont …]

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on the web: bill maher’s top assholes of 2007

It warmed my heart today to read Bill Maher’s “Dickheads of the Year” column on Rollingstone.com. While all the lucky nominees were fully worthy, IMO, (from the 25% of Americans who still think Bush is doing a good job … suspiciously equal to the percentage who believed Jesus was coming back this year … to the Congressional Democrats who’ve displayed such lack of spine I suspect they’re all invertebrate pod people) one of the most surprising tidbits came in his paragraph about Rudy Giuliani:

The year before he was elected mayor, the NYPD made 720 arrests for marijuana misdemeanors. In the year 2000 under Rudy, that figure was 59,945. That’s an increase of . . . a lot, dude. Why am I confident that he’ll be on the list again next year?

Wow. Giuliani, dude. Um. That was even before they started the bullshit propaganda about how buying drugs funds terrorism. You, sir, are a major cunt.

Read the whole list here …

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f*cking c*nts because there are far too many of them in this world

nts RSS feed, subscribe to f-ckingc-nts.com by email, follow our new posts and random comments on Twitter, or become a fan on facebook. Go on. You know you want to! All the cool kids are doing it …

Intrepid reader David (from The Official Scorers sports commentary blog), kindly sent this link to a heartening story of parental responsibility:

Ryan Schallenberger, 18, was arrested Saturday after his parents called police when 10 pounds of ammonium nitrate, an oxidizing agent in explosives, was delivered to their home in Chesterfield, near the North Carolina border …

That’s right, in direct contrast to the “where were the fucking parents” situation in Florida recently, these folks were exactly where they should have been: At home, wondering why in the fuck their teenage kid was ordering large quantities of ammonium nitrate.

When the shit was about to hit the fan, the parents did what they were supposed to do. They shut off the fan, and grabbed a shovel. In this case, by turning their fucked-up kid in to the cops. Not only did they catch him before he hurt anyone, but they even paid enough attention to notice the kid was having some “issues” beforehand. They tried to get Ryan into a mental health clinic for an evaluation, after he smashed his head into the wall a few days before his arrest. Wild, huh? It’s like they were actually paying attention to their child’s behavior! (Nevermind the fact that the clinic “offered no help” when they called … the sorry state of our mental health system is a rant for another day.)

Granted, the kid had been keeping his fucked-up strategic journal for over a year, and it sure seems like some earlier signs of anti-social tendencies might have manifested themselves sooner … but who’s to say? I was an anti-social little freak in high school, and I certainly never made any plans to kill, maim, shoot or bomb anyone or anything. Hell, sullen anti-social behavior is about as rare among teenagers as high blood pressure is among corporate executives … and nobody has been interviewed thus far who has anything bad to say about Ryan’s behavior in school.

But really, the key points I see here are: Ryan’s parents didn’t stick their heads in the sand, and say, “Oh, maybe it’s for a science class project, our straight-A angel student would never do anything BAD.” I didn’t see any quotes from them wondering why their little darling was in trouble. They didn’t say he was a, “well-adjusted, level-headed, stable, loving boy,” after finding his journal, full of detailed plans for planting explosives all over the school, blowing everything the fuck up, killing himself, and leaving a pre-recorded audiotape behind to explain everything. Nope, they sucked it up, realized their kid was seriously screwed up and dangerous, and called the police to turn him in.

The parents of those six vicious little cunts in Florida, and their fuckwit male henchmen, could stand to learn something from this family.

on the web: a brief history of us wars since wwii

Simply fucking brilliant: A video reenactment of US military conflicts from WWII to the present … with food:

A million thanks to my little sister for sending me a link to Tourist Pictures’ Food Fight. (Keep a lookout for the falafel. I almost cried I was laughing so hard.)

what about the little bitches’ fucking parents?!

So by now everyone has probably heard about the six teenage girls in Florida who beat the ever living shit out of a 16 year old classmate, and videotaped it to post on YouTube, while two teen boys acted as lookouts. People have been blaming reality TV, YouTube, the internet in general, MySpace, public schools, and every fucking other thing you can possibly think of … but in all my news searches, I’ve hardly seen anyone pointing fingers at the vicious little monsters’ parents.

What the fuck is going on here?! These vicious little shitheads bashed Victoria Lindsay’s head against the wall until she was unconscious, waited for her to wake up, then commenced beating her a second time. Then she was loaded into a car, driven away from the crime scene, and threatened with an even worse beating if she went to the police. Why? Because she was posting “trash talk” on her MySpace page.

And now, Victoria still hasn’t regained full sight in one eye, or full hearing on one ear, and the perpetrators’ fuckwit families are trying to cover for them …

The grandmother of Mercedes Nichols, who’s house was the site of the attack, claims her granddaughter is, “really a loving, caring kid.” Christina Garcia, Nichols’ mother, says the whole incident is being blown out of proportion, because only “the worst” three minutes of the 30 minute tape were released. But then loving, caring Mercedes apparently posted a comment on her MySpace page reading, “YALL I’D DO IT AGAIN”. (Her MySpace page has since been deleted, so I couldn’t personally verify that.)

Stephen Schumaker, one of the boys who guarded the house during the half-hour long assault said, “I don’t see why I’m even in this whole situation,” after his family started receiving abusive phone calls and death threats. His mother said, “They weren’t really involved, I don’t know. I’m just overwhelmed by all of it. I don’t know why the girls have them involved,” (I’m not sure what standing guard while a girl gets beaten unconscious is, if it isn’t “involved.”) while his father blamed the officer who released the tape, “Grady Judd, our great sheriff, he made a mountain out of a molehill with all these trumped up charges for these kids.”

When the girls were arrested, one asked if she would get out in time to go to cheerleading practice. Others laughed, and said they guessed they wouldn’t be going to the beach during spring break after all. 14 year old April Cooper giggled while a judge set her bail.

None of the teens involved have shown a moment’s remorse. [continued …]

condolezza rice: sociopathic torture fetishist

OK, so by now we all know that the Bush administration basically gave the thumbs up to use torture on suspected terrorists (especially the ones with brown skin and foreign accents). Hell, they even got their Attorney General in on the deal, trying to come up with some legal argument that excused them all from being sick, soulless evil fucks who’re willing to do damn near anything to get their way …

… but what I didn’t know is that they actually got all hands-on about it:

Yep, good ol’ Condi Rice, and a few of her henchmen, actually sat down and planned out exactly how the prisoners were going to be tortured. [continued …]

holy fuck, crossdressing children! rally the fundies!

A heretofore unimagined threat has descended upon the moral fiber of the great Yew Ess of Ey … indeed. You thought it was the gay scout leaders or lesbian gym instructors who were going to turn your children down the path of sin, perversion and homosexuality? No indeed, it appears the greatest threat to your children’s natural righteousness comes from within the herd.

School administrators in Reedsburg, Wisconsin thought they were safe letting their Elementary School students pick their own dress up themes for the annual Wacky Week event, wherein the children can dress up according to a different whimsical theme each day of the week. The children, however, chose Friday to be “Opposite Day,” as in, “dress up like the opposite gender.” And thus, the innocence of this provincial Wisconsin town was destroyed by the nefarious machinations of cross dressing children.

(Yeah, I know, I have been kinda slamming on the fundies a lot lately. Maybe I’m getting lazy, and going after the easy targets? Dunno. But they make it so fucking EASY!)

So yeah. Every year at the kids at Pineview Elementary submit dress up theme ideas for Wacky Week, and then all the students vote on them. This year Friday was voted in as “opposite day/old people day”. The kids could dress as the opposite gender, or as grandma or grandpa (theoretically, I guess the overachievers could combine the two themes, and dress like an elderly member of the opposite sex). The school sent out notices of the dress-up schedule to all the students’ families. Not a peep of objection was raised, and Wacky Week went on as scheduled.

Then the local fundies got wind of it.

Little did the administrators or students realize they were insidiously indoctrinating their innocent student body in the deviant ways of cross dressing. Milwaukee-based Voice of Christian Youth America got wind of the debauchery, and uptight fuckwit talk show hosts Jim Schneider, Vic Eliason and Ingrid Schlueter dutifully interrupted their broadcast to put out the alarm. And yea verily, the wrath of small-minded, god-fearing Midwestern America descended upon the school (regardless of whether or not the fundie freaks actually lived in Pineview’s school district). [continued …]

on the web: oooh, more republican hypocrisy!

Once again, Doonesbury effortlessly combines incriminating facts with the perfect touch of snide humor. Republicans may preach fiscal responsibility, but take a look at where the national debt came from …

(big image, so click “cont…” to load it!)
[continued …]

what a shock, right wing hypocrisy!

So I see an old bumpersticker (among many) on the wall at the bar in Cantwell:

Defeat the Draft Dodging Dope Smoker in ’96

At the time, I’m sure someone thought they were being very clever … but what do you want to bet the person who designed that sticker voted for the draft-dodging, deserting, alcoholic coke snorter in 2000 and 2004? I guess it’s not the draft-dodging that matters, so much as what drugs you decide to use while you’re doing it?

profanity of the month: cockwaffle

Man I love the internet … after the March PotM, I clicked on over to TheMadHat’s place to check out Friday Tea Time, which led me to discover this month’s PotM over on Sparks of Sanity.

Now, the post itself didn’t go into detail about the actual definition of the word, so I must simply jump in feet first, and extrapolate one from the contextual clues given in his advice to men who join online dating sites:

An example of a good opening line is not, “Wanna fuck?” Believe it or not, there are words on profiles for a reason. And it’s not just to clutter up the screen in between pictures. Also, if your name is prefaced by the word “The” then you should probably go kill yourself right now. And for the love of Christ, go put on your shirt. You’re only reinforcing the stereotype and you’re going to make me [have] to beat the shit out of you. And by beat the shit out of you I mean, hire someone to beat the shit out of you. Cockwaffle.

While I do not entirely concur with all his advice (I mean really, if you JUST “wanna fuck”, why shouldn’t you come right out and say it? As a woman, I do respect honesty … although I’d love to know how much success those guys have with their ads. hehe), that is entirely beside the point. So here is my definition of cockwaffle:

cockwaffle n.:

  1. A schmuck or wanker of the male gender*, who confuses adolescent machismo with charm.
  2. A particularly inept/amateur variety of macho cunt.
  3. A man* who stops calling/contacting you with no prior warning or explanation, specifically after:
    1. you interact repeatedly over the course of multiple days,**
    2. more than one interaction has been sober and/or non-sexual,
    3. he said he’d contact you again soon.

    *A woman of this sort should be called a “cuntwaffle” or a “twatwaffle” (thanks to Karen and her son for the latter suggestion!).
    **If such behavior manifests after less than 24hrs acquaintance, it is more correctly known as “sobering up”.

cockwaffling v.: When you’re standing at the urinal, your business is out and ready to go … and you can’t pee.

fuck peta: shoot the damn fish already!

So the intrepid lunatics at Mythbusters did an episode testing clichés and catchphrases (including the surprising discovery that elephants, or at least the elephant they were using, actually don’t like mice). It is, apparently, perfectly OK to put a mouse in danger of being stomped, and an elephant at risk of being frightened … but later on, while diligently researching “shooting fish in a barrel”, they resorted to putting a little motor inside a fish carcass, to appease the animal-rights crowd.

For fuck’s sake.

Since when is killing fish on cable TV against the rules?! I’ve watched “outdoor” shows all about fishing. One fish after the next getting hauled out of the water and dropped on the deck of a boat … to die. I’ve watched shows where birds and quadrupeds get shot … and before you get the wrong idea, I must say I’m not actually a fan of hunting/fishing shows, but I have been in the homes of people who were watching them, so I ended up watching by default. It’s like watching golf, for sadists.

Anyhow, let’s just get real for a minute, shall we? I assume the hunting shows couldn’t give a flying fuck what PETA et al. think about anything. So yeah, they’re just going to keep shooting birds and catching fish. Yee-fucking-HA! And Mythbusters, being modern, sensitive souls, or some such horseshit, really just don’t want to piss anyone off, hence Franken-fishie. Seriously, the fish dies either way. Please explain how suffocating a fish (which is what happens when you pull them out of the water, before they’re gutted and wrapped around a submersible motor) is any more humane than shooting one?!

We’re talking about offending the same sort of people who go “liberate” caged mink, so the poor fucking things can starve to death in the wild, because they’ve been bred and raised in captivity for so long they haven’t got the vaguest idea how that whole ‘hunting’ thing works. They’ve been known to “liberate” beef cattle from stockyards, so the cattle can wander aimlessly onto a nearby highway and be hit by semi trucks.

Animal rights extremists remind me of anti-abortion extremists … the pro-life crowd talks a whole hell of a lot about the sanctity of unborn human life, and on and on, but they don’t seem to give a fuck about the pregnant woman’s quality of life, and they don’t have much to say about Christian Scientists and other faith-healing sects allowing children to die from lack of medical care. All about the lives of embryos and fetuses, to hell with living women and children. PETA? Oh, they talk about the inhumanity of factory farming operations (true, true), and the cruel pointlessness of animal testing (I’ll give you that one, for the most part), and generally make themselves out to be some kind of Humane Society with balls … [continued …]

another big black eye for the god crowd

Intrepid reader Ray sent me a link to this heartwarming article from Wisconsin about an 11 year old girl who died of undiagnosed diabetes, while her parents prayed over her. From the article,

The girl’s mother, Leilani Neumann, said the family believes in the Bible and that healing comes from God, but she said they do not belong to an organized religion or faith, are not fanatics and have nothing against doctors.

Now, I’m thinking that if your kid slips into a coma, and you don’t take her to the doctor because you’re too busy praying, you are the living, breathing EPITOME of a fucking fruit-loop, waste-of-oxygen, brain-dead God-drunkfanatic. Seriously. For fuck’s sake people, if sitting and watching while your kid dies in front of you, because you think God is going to reach down and fix everything, isn’t fucking FANATICISM (with a capital F A N A T I C I S M), I don’t know what is. But I do know that I’m really hoping the rest of their kids get taken away from them, and the parents get locked the fuck up for a nice long time over this.

And in this case, it might actually happen … while 44 states in the US have laws stating that parents who belong to a recognized religion with objections to conventional medical care can’t be charged with child abuse for letting their children get prayed to death (Yep. You read that right. It’s actually written in law books all over the country that parents can legally sit and watch their children die, if their religion disapproves of conventional medical care.), Mrs. Neumann there just slaughtered her own best legal defense by saying they don’t belong on an organized religion. So thank heavens, her and her oxygen thief hubby MIGHT just get the book thrown at them.

Years ago, I read a story about a child with a tumor on her leg damn near the size of a watermelon. Had the child gone to the doctor sooner, it could have been removed, and she would have had a good chance of surviving the bone cancer that eventually killed her. But her Christian Scientist parents refused to obtain any medical care for her. Rita Swan, an former Christian Scientist herself, documents a large number of cases where children died for their parents’ religious beliefs. (I also found an extensive policy report on the subject from Massachusetts Citizens for Children.)

Under what jacked-up excuse for “liberty” is a parent allowed to let their child die because their fucked up interpretation of a holy book says so? YOU have the right to refuse medical care for your self, sure. I won’t argue against any adult’s right to die however they see fit. But if the Christian Right is going to tell me I have no right to have an abortion, because a fucking embryo has a right to life, why aren’t those same anti-abortion zealots out picketing Christian Science “practitioners” who get paid to pray over full-fledged post-natal children while they die of treatable ailments? You fuckheads who go around bombing abortion clinics need to visit Ms. Swan’s article, print out the list of wingnut religious groups that allow these deaths, and go bomb their fucking churches too. Surely a child should have the same “rights” post-birth as you claim they have in the womb? (The Christian Science church, fwiw, has no official position on abortion.) [continued …]

f*cking c*nts

longest day of the year at 62′ 50″ north

Feel free to stalk our every post with the f*cking c*nts RSS feed, subscribe to f-ckingc-nts.com by email, follow our new posts and random comments on Twitter, or become a fan on facebook. Go on. You know you want to! All the cool kids are doing it …

21 hours, 49 minutes of daylight … which is not to say it gets dark. It means the sun only spends 2 hours & 11 minutes below the horizon. Not far enough below the horizon to even think about getting dark. Makes for a hell of a non-stop sunset/sunrise.

It is also to say there is a reason I’ve only been getting five hours of sleep a night for the past few weeks, and yet I am still functioning. (although according to my ability to catch typos and perform basic mathematical calculations, I may not be functioning quite up to par. 😉

[photo of solstice 2006 on full page…] [continued …]

profanity of the month: [insert-animal-here]-fucker

This month, we present a collaborative effort between intrepid reader Becca, my baby sister, and yours truly … Yes indeed, f*cking c*nts is please to bring you a second multi-pack of vocabulary-enhancing profane goodness: Meet the [animal]-fucker family!

Not only do these two-part slurs roll off the tongue in a delightfully offensive way, they each have distinctly different connotations. Develop a few [animal]-fucker phrases of your own, and you could spend the rest of your life using nothing but [animal]-fucker insults forevermore! The joy!

  • Monkey-fucker: Used to denote someone epically failing at a task. Implies monumental incompetence more than natural stupidity. The sort of person who shouldn’t be allowed to carry a loaded firearm, even in a controlled environment [example].
    Thanks goes to Becca for that one. She’s such a silver-tongued thing, isn’t she?
  • Pig-fucker: 1.) An aggressively self-centered, opportunistically backstabbing person. The kind of guy who’d drive drunk with a passenger, careen off a bridge, leave his passenger behind to drown, and then pretend nothing happened when he awoke the next day [example].
    2.) Someone with an inappropriate fondness for the police, given his/her personal circumstances. A ‘narc’.
    Thanks to my sister for that one. She still *looks*innocent, I swear.
  • Puppy-fucker: A ruthless, rotten human being, who makes decisions solely for their own benefit, usually at the expense of the smaller, weaker or less powerful people in their way. A psychopath [example].
    And that one would be mine … make of it what you will.

There are all sorts of other combinations you could come up with: donkey-fucker, sheep-fucker, rabbit-fucker, goat-fucker … get creative! And again, use them in good health and good cheer. :-)

last update here: asking for donations … puppy in need!

you can follow gidget’s updates on this new page!

muddy gidgetEverybody, I’d like you to meet Gidget.

Freakin’ adorable, ain’t she?

So … she was being a rambunctious puppy on the front porch the other day. You could say she was bouncing off the walls, except there was no wall there, so she fell off the porch. And somehow, in the 18-20 inches to the ground, she managed to stick her right front leg out in such a way that she broke her elbow.

So, now there’s a chunk of her elbow joint kind of ‘floating’ around in her leg (diagram to come soon), and she needs surgery to pin it back into place. The alternative is to leave it as-is, and let the joint develop such severe arthritis that she’ll never be able to use the leg again.

Obviously, I’m opting for surgery. However, as it always seems to go, I’m flat-ass fucking broke this month … and the surgery tomorrow will cost between $900 to $1100. I have $223 and some odd change to my name this week, and the vet clinic likes to get all their money before you take your pet home. I’ve succeeded in talking them into accepting half up front for a surgery on one of my ferrets years ago, but I’m still pretty far short of the $450-550 that would take. :-(my puppy Gidget is retarded

So, I am uncharacteristically begging for help.

thank you to everyone who donated!! i just picked her up from the vet, and was able to pay the whole bill in full!

[continued …]

profanity of the month … help!

No, “Help” is not the profanity of the month … I’m having a bit of trouble this month thinking of something both sufficiently profane and clever/amusing enough to inspire me. So, I’m asking for your help!

If you have a good two word phrase, a creative compound form or unique grammatical usage of a single swear word, or something along those lines that both a.) uses a word or part of a word commonly considered profane in the English language (ie. something that would get you slapped if you said it as a child), and b.) will make me giggle, snigger, or actually laugh out loud, send it in, ’cause I wanna see it!

And never fear, even if your submission isn’t used this month, rest assured I’ll be saving my favorite entries for future moments of PotM writer’s block. 😉 Let the fun begin!

email your suggestions to:

alphabitch@fckingcnts.com

UPDATE: Although I do believe we have a winner (and it is, after all, up to my capricious whims …), I’m going to leave this open for another day or two, just because reading all the suggestions is really fucking entertaining.

Maybe next month, I’ll have people vote for their favorite out of some of the emails … whaddya think?

7 things no american would ever believe …

… if public schools taught anything resembling history—or, american exceptionalism is a crock of shit.

American schools are shit at teaching anything resembling an in-depth study of history. Of course, to a certain extent, any nation’s schools are going to teach history from their own bias and perspective, but after meeting an talking with people of various education levels, from a bunch of different countries, I’ve come to the inevitable conclusion that US schools are the absolute bottom of the first-world barrel.

We are the ignoramus history class bottom-feeders of the developed world. Folks I’ve met in the UK, with the equivalent of a high school diploma, have a better understanding of US history than most US college graduates I’ve known … while a large portion of US high school graduates couldn’t name the Prime Minister of the UK if their ignorant little lives depended on it.

It’s one problem that American school children score average or worse in math and science compared to many other countries, which no doubt impacts our competitiveness on an international scale … but the fact that we have, on average, a utterly fucking dismal understanding of our own history, and our role in various important world events, is a huge detriment right here at home.

So, for the elucidation of any American public school survivors who should happen across this page, here is a list of things no sane American would ever believe, if our schools actually taught history, instead of bald-faced propaganda:

    1. America is a Christian Nation. More on this in my next entry, but suffice to say for now that any country with ZERO mentions of god, and only two mentions of religion (both of which pointedly exclude religion from the government and legislative process), in its foundational documents is pretty clearly not a religious nation of any stripe. Read the Constitution sometime, mm’kay? I know it’s usually not required in school, but it’s very enlightening.So what difference does this little delusion make in today’s society? Well, ask any teen girl who got pregnant, because the only information she got about birth control was from an “abstinence only” sex-ed program … where all you learn is how often birth control fails, never mind how to use it properly, because premarital sex is a sin. Visit a school where science teachers have to include a unit on “Intelligent Design”, aka. God Created the World (which is not any kind of scientific theory), right along side the theory of Evolution, or where the library had to remove books which somehow offended the sensibilities of a loud local church. Or how about NGO foreign aid organizations receiving government funding who, thanks to Reagan’s biblical policies (enthusiastically upheld by both generations of BushCo presidencies, while suspended during the Clinton administration), cannot educate women in Third World countries about abortion, because that’s a sin too? The US does guarantee that you can practice whatever form of holy superstition you like, but the Founders were really quite clear that you have no right to try legally forcing your religious values down other people’s throats.
    2. The US military is unbeatable. We vanquished the English in the Revolutionary War (who maybe at some point decided continuing the war wasn’t worth it, given the distance they had to travel, with no local military stronghold to operate from). We single-handedly saved the world in both World Wars (which might have been a collective effort amongst a great many nations, with us jumping in at the end and giving the effort a well-timed boost). Vietnam and Korea are largely glossed over. Well, really, they’re HUGELY glossed over. And why not? Our team didn’t win.And what’s the end result of this one-dimensional, utterly inaccurate macho horseshit? Wherever in the world evil needs to be vanquished, the American public is far too willing to jump on the bandwagon, and then get all confused when we don’t walk all over the enemy and come home all bright-n-shiny. Because we are the biggest badasses in the world. Hello Iraq and Afghanistan, boy oh boy are we whompin’ everybody into shape over there!

[continued …]

free obama ’08 bumperstickers from moveon.org

If you’re interested, MoveOn.org has opened up their Obama bumper sticker giveaway to everyone (not just MoveOn members) … You can get your free bumper sticker right here.

Free Obama 08 Bumper Sticker

marriage is for the birds (but not the gay birds, mind you)

There you have it folks, I couldn’t care less about marriage on a personal level. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt (and by “t-shirt” I mean “divorce decree”). I don’t plan on ever marrying anyone ever again, male, female or Martian. So, I really don’t have any personal investment in the whole same-sex marriage issue, but I do find bigotry, in all its myriad forms, endlessly fascinating … in a very, “for fuck’s sake, humans are soooo screwed up,” sort of way …

The fundies say they don’t want gays to get married, because homosexuality is a sin—among other smokescreen excuses, like protecting “tradition” and preventing the desecration of “the sanctity of marriage”, all of which boil down to the same religious foundation, given that church marriage is a religious tradition and “sanctity” is a religious concept. Maybe in a theocracy those would be valid arguments, but the US isn’t a theocracy, and basing legislation on religious foundations is antithetical to the first amendment.

And on the other side there are gay couples, and their open-minded supporters, who do want gays to be allowed to get married. Whether or not an individual same-sex marriage supporter is gay, or wants to get married themselves, or even thinks marriage is a good idea in general, we’re not out campaigning to force our personal opinions down the entire nation’s throats. I see the whole gay marriage issue not so much as a fight for a specific right, but as a fight for the principle of equality of choice and opportunity.

Now I’m sure there are also plenty of HMO directors and corporate HR departments (along with a bunch of poorly economically informed but morally neutral right-wing voters) who don’t want to see gay marriage legalized for the simple fact of increased expenses associated with providing health benefits to all those “new” spouses and children. I think these tightwad motherfuckers might actually be the only honest opponents to liberalizing marriage laws, because underneath everyone else’s Bible-thumping moralizing crusade, I think the widespread aversion to same sex marriage in the US boils down to a much more fundamental level of bigotry, which has fuck all to do with god, morality or virtue.

This hunch is supported by the fact that I’ve met a fuckload of small-minded homophobes in my day, who didn’t give a flying fuck about the bible, or any preacher’s mouth-breathing polemics about sin and the destruction of “Christian America”. These are folks who couldn’t list the ten commandments if their lives depended on it, but who’d still beat the fuck out of any man who grabbed their ass or, conversely, sourly accuse a confirmed bachelorette, or dedicated career woman, of being a lesbian … (or if the bigoted bimbos were teenage girls, they might beat the fuck out of the “lesbo” and put a video of it on YouTube).

“It’s just unnatural and wrong,” they’ll tell you, with a look of abject disgust on their beady-eyed faces. Never mind the ubiquitous accounts of homosexual and gender-nonconforming individuals in virtually every human society about whom such things have been recorded—if the spontaneous existence of a certain variation throughout the recorded history of a given species isn’t what qualifies something as “natural,” I don’t know what is.

The idea that gender bigotry isn’t, at its ugly gut-level prejudiced core, a predominantly religious argument is not to grant the homophobic drooling masses any more credit. Hell no. If anything, I’m giving them less. My idea is that homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and all of those other pathetic [insert maligned group here]-bashing tendencies are nothing more and nothing less than prehistoric tribal-herd instincts. The sort of mindless, atavistic bullshit that modern, civilized humans should have discarded decades ago. [continued …]

*now* i know why there were no comments for days …

So yeah, my new javascript comment form validator conflicted with my new spambot blocker.

It’s been fixed.

Christ computers are a fucking pain in the ass sometimes. heh.

how badly could mccain fuck us?

If you’re of the mind that Bush winning the 2000 election at the hands of a right-wing dominated Supreme Court was no coincidence, here’s a sobering take on the upcoming election:

who do YOU want nominating the next four Supreme Court justices?

So yeah, if all you fucking short-sighted bullshit pseudo-feminist Clinton-zombies are totally willing to risk losing Roe v. Wade, see same-sex marriage get constitutionally banned, and all that other morality-turned-law crap the Republicans really want to get taken care of, go right the fuck ahead and vote for McCain. Watch the Supreme Court get strangled in a right-wing death grip for the next 20 years … you fucking selfish, brain-dead, wannabe-martyr assholes.

feminism: it’s got fuck-all to do with hillary

Y’know, I was going to write another post about Hillary Clinton … but I’m so fucking sick of her, I don’t have anything reasonable or intelligent to say on the matter. The only way she could count herself ahead in the Democratic race at the end was to claim votes she “won” in a state where her only remaining rival wasn’t on the fucking ballot. Fuck her. Her candidacy has done more to jeopardize the Democrats’ chance at the White House than everything and everyone else put together … and anyone who’s willing to destroy the entire team’s chance at a win in their own fucking megalomaniacal quest for personal glory ought to be kicked off the team and banned from the sport forever.

Send Hillary home, and keep her there. If ever in my lifetime there was a woman who ought to be kept in the kitchen where she can’t do any more harm than burning the lasagna, it’s Hillary Lost-all-touch-with-fucking-reality Clinton.

If she were a man in the current Presidential race, she’d have been laughed home already (the theoretical “he” would never have recovered from the Bosnia sniper fire bullshit/blunder) … but thanks to her fucking ovaries (and her last name, let’s be honest here), while she continually refuses to concede — at the expense of the entire Democratic Party, and women’s credibility in politics throughout the nation, even after Obama secured enough delegates to clinch the nomination — her rabid supporters stick by her like glue. She is not a woman who would be where she is today, if she was held to the same standards as an equivalent man.

You can go ahead and call me sexist, or a sell-out, or whatever you want, for being a woman who dares denounce the Great Hillary … but I couldn’t care less. That’s one of the big problems with modern feminism: It has more to do with adhering to a strict ideological doctrine, than any actual conviction that women can be whoever and whatever they want. And the real mindfuck in the whole deal is that different camps of self-proclaimed feminists have different versions of the doctrine you’re supposed to subscribe to before you can get their stamp of approval.

Fuck that.

And with that, we segue ever-so-gracefully into my little gender politics rant on feminism … [continued …]